The Summer of 1995
by clairepotter
Summary: Harry gets depressed in aftermath of third task, contains eating disorders and attempted suicide, please r&r.
1. The Musings of an Old Man

Disclaimer.  
  
I fully disclaim everything.  
  
None of the characters mention in this story belong to me. All belong to J. K. Rowling and Warner Brothers.  
  
References to other song lyrics belong to Robbie Williams.  
  
Other similarities between this and any other stories or films are unintentional.  
  
Thank you  
  
The authoress.  
  
To everyone who reads.  
  
This fic contains issues such as eating disorders and attempted suicide. If this disturbs you please do not read on.  
  
This is my first attempt at this kind of fic, and obviously full research into the issues mentioned would be impossible. Some things you see may be wrong, or inaccurate, I apologise in advance if this offends anyone. Enjoy the story, and please review. No flames welcome.  
  
Claire  
  
Summary  
  
Harry Potter gets very depressed and ill in the aftermath of Voldemort's return. He gets help to fix things but not before some serious mistakes. This time it's not Snape, but someone more unexpected who pulls him through the worst, but he does help a bit in the end.  
  
Also this probably will have a sequel that will be set in 6th year and include some H/Hr, and lots more Voldie.  
  
The musings of an old man.  
  
It was the summer of 1995, the summer I turned fifteen, the summer the dark lord rose again with my aid, the summer Cedric Diggory died, the first in a line of many terrible deaths, many of whom I knew, some whom I loved, many of which I witnessed. Writing that made it sound like I had taken part in these murders, or had wanted the dark lord Voldemort to rise. That would be untrue, I above many others risked my life to ensure he didn't come back, but Voldemort was nothing but persistent. No the summer of 1995 I was an innocent who was far too caught up in a war which should have by passed me the way it did so many others of my age, it didn't. I was deeply involved, for reasons I did not know, but I had a certain knowledge that the war was my responsibility. Now I know the reasons, to some extent I still believe I should have known then too, it may have helped prevent the course of action I chose. The summer of 1995 was long and hot, and will be remembered by many of my generation, the previous generation are now dead, mine is nearly. However I have my reasons for remembering it slightly differently, almost immediately after the dark lord rose, I was sent home to my borderline abusive muggle relatives for the summer. All I could think of on those long, hot days was killing myself. I developed rather an obsession with my own mortality. I had my saviours, I am still here after all, I have them to thank for everything past that fateful summer, and in their own way the world has to thank them for the downfall of the dark lord, had it not been for them I would have been in a early grave, with a faded headstone, and the dark lord may have ruled the wizarding world. The Autumn and Winter of 1995 brought it's unpleasantly too, no doubt, after all I was incarcerated in St. Mungo's hospital psychiatric department, but none I will remember so clearly as the summer. So I sit here now to tell my tale, I know that I will die soon, my wife passed just a few months back and I am lonely without her, I am old, it is my time, and I will die in peace for many summers I have lived, but none so terrible or soulless as The Summer of 1995. 


	2. Back to 1995

Back to 1995  
  
The summer started in earnest as soon as Harry got back from the graveyard in Little Hangleton, this was ironic because all the people who knew the truth were themselves stuck in deepest winter, running around to build a solid shelter to survive the weather that was sure to come. Harry thought this was a good analogy. The hot weather served only to make him feel worse about what had happened. Dumbledore had ordered that no one question him about it, but even worse, now people avoided him like he was diseased. Even though Harry didn't particularly want them in his life, human companionship was what he needed most. Like when he just sat silently with Ron and Hermione. Dumbledore had also ordered that he went back to Privet Drive for the summer, and that hurt worse than anything, he needed his friends at that moment, and to be honest he didn't care anything for his safety, looking back he thought that it would have been best if the priori incantatem spell hadn't saved him that night. The line that was prominent in his head at that time was from a muggle song, 'I suppose its just a point of view, but they tell me I'm doing fine' it wasn't true, they told him it at least once a day, how brave he was, how like his father, it wasn't true, if only they really knew.  
  
Dumbledores speech at the leaving feast had somewhat freed him in mind, but this was a temporary effect, the weight of everything hit him tenfold as he saw his uncle Vernon at the barrier at Kings Cross, trust his relatives to make everything worse. What he wished for more than anything in that moment was that someone would kill him before he left the station, anyone, a muggle, or a wizard, even Voldemort. It didn't happen, no assassins waiting in the shadows to be his salvation.  
  
Harry ended up back at Privet Drive, his relatives had ignored him all the way home, but it wasn't like he had tried to speak with them either, he knew it was useless, and what was the point in talking to anyone anymore, he just wanted to curl up and let the world pass by, and preferably leave the world. He knew that no rescuer with a gun, or deadly curse could come to Privet Drive, wasn't that why he was there after all?  
  
When Harry got to his room this year he found that the metal bars were back on his window, and that his door locked from the outside, his uncle yet again locked his trunk under the stairs, but not before locking Harry in his room. The only thing Harry had now was a set of Dudley's old clothes, the clothes he was wearing - robes - he hadn't bothered to change as was common practice amongst students, especially those going back to muggle families, and his wand which he carried everywhere at the moment.  
  
Hedwig had stayed at school that summer, and in a way he was glad that he didn't have his trunk with him, it only reminded him of the world he lived in that was about to become as screwed up as him, and that was something he'd rather forget, in fact if he had been offered a memory charm that would block all memory of the magical world he would have taken it at that moment. The only object he missed was the knife Sirius had given him, he knew his Godfather wouldn't like the purpose he wanted it for, but Sirius had left him just like everyone else, they all just dropped him over the summer, except Ron who had him to stay for a few weeks usually, this year Ron had dropped him too, he had been forced too. If he had the knife with him he would had run it along the length of his arm, to see if it hurt, to see if that would be a viable way to end his life. He was a solitary Hero, entirely untouchable.  
  
The sun blazed in through the window, it streaked his room in light and shadow where it bounced of the bars, and created a strange effect on the carpet. The bars reminded him of isolation, no owls could reach him now, and in a way his wish had been fulfilled in this room he could hide from the world, now to work on leaving it.  
  
There was a constant nagging in the back of Harry's head, and like an itch that he couldn't scratch it made him uncomfortable. This was Cedric, and the thought that just wouldn't go away, guilt. He knew that everyday he woke up that little nagging grew bigger and bigger, he also knew that guilt would overcome him soon; his dreams told him so.  
  
Dreams were the worst part of it mainly, for if it weren't for dreams Harry would have attempted to sleep as many hours a day as he could, sleep and not think about anything, if only he could make dreamless sleep potion he would use it 24 hours a day, who gives a damn if its addictive? As it was his dreams were his memories, but only worse, distorted and warped, and they always woke him up with a start, guilty as hell. These were the dreams of the third task, but they weren't the only dreams, there were the vision that Voldemort sent too.  
  
So far there had only been three, he had watched the head of Durmstrang, ex death eater, Karkaroff be killed in a most horrible way for betraying his 'master', then he had watch his potions professor be tortured for hours for the crime of not being at the 'rebirth party' at which Harry had been 'guest of honour'. It almost made him cry to watch others go through the pain Voldemort caused, but in a way he was jealous of them too. Mainly Voldemorts wrath had come down on his death eaters, in some attempt to reorganise his army in preparation for the war that would surely come. The only other deaths had haunted Harry, a few nights ago, Voldemort had gone to St. Mungo's hospital, and killed the aurors Longbottem who were insane from the cruciatus curse. This had been some twisted way to honour the loyal four death eaters who had attempted to find him all those years ago, and landed themselves in azkaban for the long haul. One who had received the dementors kiss. Harry remembered clearly the vow Voldemort had made that night, to free those of his loyal supporters in Azkaban, it made him shudder with fright for the terror he had released on the wizarding world he had once so loved.  
  
Being awake was only slightly better than being asleep, after all the memories still played over and over, but he could at least make attempts to block them out when awake, asleep he was at their mercy.  
  
This summer the Dursleys saw fit to feed him twice a day, usually cold food, unappealing, but Harry couldn't have cared less, if it had been from a five star restaurant he wouldn't have touched it, all food was sent back uneaten. Harry just couldn't be bothered to eat, he didn't deserve to either, or so he thought. No he just sat there on the floor, at least twenty hours a day, either thinking about the wizarding world, else day dreaming of ways in which to be dead.  
  
So far he had come up with slitting his wrists; unfeasible, he had no sharp objects. Overdosing, but on what? Hanging; but how? Jumping from a great height; but even if he could open his window the most damage jumping out of it would inflict would be a broken leg. A curse; but he didn't know how to use Avada Kedavra, in any case that would have bothered him, as it was the way his parents were murdered, and just reminded him how his mum had died for him. No he would not think of that, he hadn't asked her too after all.  
  
Over the long hot days he tried to think of other ways to kill himself, he sat on worn carpet, sweating in the sun, just fantasising of his own demise, how would it feel to run a knife through his arms, or jump of the highest tower at Hogwarts. After considerable musings he decided that these were the two options which were most appealing, and spent days from there on working out plans on making these things happen smoothly, asking questions like whether he would write a note to let them know what happened, or sometimes musing about who if anyone would miss him. He came up with the answer that not many would, after all he had seen no owls even attempt to deliver a message to him. The only human contact he had was his aunt letting him use the bathroom day and night. This suited his sombre mood.  
  
One day, unexpectedly Harry's door opened at what he could tell was early morning, his uncle came in, and Harry had not seen his uncle since he was left in his room.  
  
'Get up boy, its time to take you back to that freak school of yours, I wouldn't bother, but you cost us a fortune to feed, and you don't even eat it, ungrateful brat, Get Up!' his uncle yelled.  
  
Was it September 1st already? Harry didn't know the day, he hadn't kept track, he supposed he must be fifteen then, to him it may as well still be June, the time in his room seemed timeless, and this was a startling entrance back in to the real world that Harry wasn't ready for. He could have cried, but he still cared enough not to do that in front of his uncle. So he got to his matchstick legs and followed his uncle, who thrust a trunk at him, nearly knocking his frail body to the ground.  
  
Harry had not eaten the entire summer, save a piece of burned toast some time ago, when his stomach felt so terrible it tore him apart. Nowadays he just didn't get hungry, and he enjoyed the empty feeling and gurgling noises that came from his stomach, it was soothing. The downside to this was that he was drastically underweight, and people would notice, and that would not do just yet, they would worry and fuss, not an option.  
  
In the car Harry worried on this matter, and decided that he would attempt to hide on the train and perform that concealing charm Mcgonagall had gone through last year, he just hoped he was good enough at magic, he had a feeling that as his body was drained, his magic might be weak too.  
  
When they got out of the car, his uncle had thrust his trunk at him yet again, with the warning to be sure to tell his 'freak people' that he had been given food, and it was him who hadn't eaten it. In other words the truth, but Harry had no intention of letting them have a need to ask. 


	3. Albus Dumbledore

Albus Dumbledore  
  
He was early, it was only 10 am but the train was waiting for the students already, so he slipped unnoticed into a bathroom, and concentrated hard on what he looked like last time he looked in a mirror before the summer, and said 'transfigaro image'. He felt a mask go up around his body and knew it had worked, but he almost fainted with the effort. He looked up in his reflection, perfect he thought, now to practice smiling. The only time he had smiled this summer was when he had thought about what it would be like to jump of the astronomy tower. Hopefully he would be finding out soon enough.  
  
Harry left the bathroom, and soon ran in to somebody in the trains corridor, one of the last people he hoped to meet with alone, Albus Dumbledore.  
  
'Hello Harry, here early I see' he commented pleasantly.  
  
'Yes Sir' Harry said looking at his feet hoping to get away from his headmaster fast, the man was far too perceptive for his own good.  
  
Albus looked at him suspiciously for a moment and then said, 'I was just doing a final check on the train, but I'm finished now, why don't we sit down and have a chat Harry'.  
  
Harry knew it wasn't really a suggestion, but treated it as one just the same. 'Actually headmaster, I was hoping to check something in one of my books before the others got here, would you mind?' Harry crossed his fingers behind his back.  
  
The headmaster seemed to read his expression somewhat because he wasn't happy with that answer, 'well Harry, I really did need to see you, surely you can read your book during the journey child? Come.' He said motioning to a compartment door, the compartment was naturally empty.  
  
'So Harry, how have you been, have a good summer?' he asked first.  
  
'Yes, fine thank you sir' Harry lied.  
  
'Good now I expect you have many questions given the unpleasant events of last term?' he motion for Harry to ask, but the truth was Harry didn't care any more, he would be dead soon anyway, why would he want to ask about Voldemort?  
  
'Erm, not really, I saw most of what happened, I have visions of Voldemort, is Professor Snape Ok?' this was his attempt to divert attention from the matter discreetly.  
  
'Yes, yes fine Harry, but visions you say, perhaps we could try and help you with those, I will ask Madame Pomfery.' He said decidedly.  
  
'You really don't have to, I'm fine Professor, really' he forced a smile.  
  
'Yes well, no matter, I would rather know you slept well, anyway I have a question for you.' He replied.  
  
'Oh, very well Sir, what?'  
  
'I can sense magic around people, usually in Hogwarts there is too much magic to sense an individual, but here on the train there are very few people right now, and I sense magic around you, which I should not as you have been living with muggles Harry, have you been in contact with a wizard recently?' he inquired looking at Harry expectantly.  
  
Harry froze, what could he say, then it hit him, 'Yes Sir, I have been in contact with myself, I used a charm just a few moments ago, a levitation spell for my possessions, and a locking charm for the bathroom door.' He hoped Dumbledore brought this lie.  
  
Albus looked suspicious but decided not to pursue the matter at that moment. Harry thanked whatever deity he could think of, but still did not like the look he was getting.  
  
'Very well Harry, I will leave you now, come and see me if you need anything' he said opening the door.  
  
'Thank you Headmaster, oh, wait I almost forgot, how is my godfather?'  
  
'Just fine, I expect you will see him soon, he will want to visit'.  
  
'But he can't, I mean its too dangerous, tell him not to come' his panic reflex went into action, Sirius would ask questions, it was difficult to lie to Sirius, and he really didn't want Sirius to risk getting caught again just to see him.  
  
'Relax Harry, I'm sure everything will be fine, enjoy your journey, stay safe' Albus replied smiling to Harry, but reflecting on this new puzzle his child protégée had left him.  
  
The boy looked healthy, but at the same time didn't, the way he held himself was off, the boy tried to give of confidence but failed miserably, he tried too hard and the effort was noticed. The smiles were forced, and that air of magic was not from simple schoolboy charms, if Harry had cast the spell, then he was hiding its true nature, or he was lying about being in contact with adult wizards, and he was fairly sure no adult wizard on the side of light would put magic such as that around Harry without his permission, but at the same time the magic he sensed was not dark, strong; yes, but dark; no, it was also very recent. He didn't want to see Sirius, last year he had almost cried when the man had left again. Another worrying thing was the lack of questions, Harry was always inquisitive if nothing else, but Harry just seemed like he didn't care, batting off the enquiry with a query about his most hated professors health. Also not wanting help with these visions.. Normally Harry wrote and told him of his visions, but now he couldn't care less about them, he brushed them off as unimportant, when in reality Albus remembered from the past they gave substantial clues as to Voldemorts plans, but if Harry didn't feel like telling him about them, the best thing he could do was not make the child suffer through them. He couldn't figure out the puzzle, but he would think on it more, use his pensieve with the memories of a younger Harry to help him, and in the mean while he would keep a close but discreet watch on the boy, through the many eyes he had in the castle. He was after all considered almost all seeing, and all knowing within his school. 


	4. The Train

The Train.  
  
Harry had been so busy panicking about the awkward way in which the headmaster had questioned him that he forgot that Ron and Hermione were coming, until the door opened and a pair of arms flung around him, it was of course Hermione. Hermione had tears in her eyes, why?  
  
'Er, Hermione are you ok, has something happened?'  
  
'No, I just missed you, all mine and Ron's letters were sent back unopened, why haven't you written, you sent my gift back too?' she asked emotionally.  
  
'and mine mate, what's going on?' Ron looked puzzled and hurt.  
  
Harry hadn't obviously been unable to receive owls, but anyway he hadn't seen any around the window, and he was awake most of the time.  
  
'Well, Hedwig was here for the summer, and I wasn't aloud to let other owls in my uncle doesn't like them, and anyway I didn't see any owls outside the window at all.' He replied matter of factly, wishing for no further questions, as if he would be so lucky.  
  
'Honestly, of course you didn't see any owls around your house, Dumbledore put up wards so they wouldn't be visible until inside the house, to stop you know who finding you, he did tell you, I was there at the end of last term' retorted Hermione in her infamous know it all voice.  
  
'Oh' he replied, simply trying to block out his friends, he wouldn't need them much longer.  
  
Ron and Hermione just kept on talking, eventually he got really fed up and pretended to be asleep, he wasn't really but at least they left him alone for a while.  
  
The train had been going quite a long time, but to Harry, who had lost his sense of time, it could have been five minutes or five hours. 'Hey Harry mate, wake up we have to change, come on Mcgonagall will kill us if were not ready.' Ron gesticulated wildly at Harry; obviously they were nearly there.  
  
Harry got up dutifully to change his clothes for clean robes, he nearly fell back down, his malnourished legs were shaky from a complete lack of misuse during the summer, and his muscles had wasted away. 'Are you all right Harry, you look dizzy, perhaps you should see Madame Pomphery? After all its not like you to sleep so much either.' Hermione had that god-awful tone of pitying concern in her voice.  
  
'No Mione, I'm fine, I just didn't sleep well last night, must have been excited about coming back to school, ha. Anyway I'll have an early night and be fine tomorrow, don't worry so much' he chirped in a cheerful voice, applauding himself for the lie that Hermione had accepted, albeit reluctantly.  
  
Finally the train pulled in to the station, and Harry got up as quickly as he could and went to the carriages to Hogwarts, Ron and Hermione followed. 'Anyone would think the train was on fire, the way you ran over here Harry' laughed Ron.  
  
'Yeah' said Harry distantly, he was thinking on his plan for when he got there. 


	5. The Missed Feast

The missed feast.  
  
Soon enough they were there, Ron and Hermione were headed for the great hall, Harry skilfully ducked past them and hit in the next corridor, he really didn't want to go to the feast, with all those people looking at him like an animal in the zoo, and his friends fussing about why he wasn't eating, no it was much better to skip it, go sit in one of the empty rooms for a few hours before heading down to the dorms with everyone else. He decided to do some research on his special mission of leaving the world, and climbed the astronomy tower. This was good, this was the way to do it, and he ran his fingers almost reverently along the ledge that separated him and the ground. It was tempting to jump now, but his affairs had to be set in order first. He sat on the floor for a while, this seemed to be the most comfortable position for him at the moment, after all he had spent all but a few minutes a day sat on the floor at home. Eventually he decided to see if it was time to go to the dorms, he had no idea, but thought it best to check. He opened the door and walked down the empty hallway, and just as he turned to go down some stairs an arm grabbed him from behind.  
  
Harry panicked and cried out, the forceful touch hurt his match like arms; he spun around to be face to face with an angry looking Snape.  
  
'Mr. Potter, would you care to explain why you are not in the hall, at the feast, I do believe I'm correct in saying you do not have permission to skip the feast?' he said in a dangerously low voice.  
  
Harry stayed quiet and looked at the ground; he couldn't deal with Snape right now.  
  
'Clearly I am right, the feast is almost over, I will accompany you to the headmasters office, you can wait for him' he said briskly and strode off, motioning Harry to follow.  
  
Harry swallowed a knot of dread and followed the least popular professor in the school to the gargoyle that covered Dumbledore's office. 'M&M's' Snape spat. The gargoyle moved back and Harry was led up the moving stairs and to one of the seats outside the main door. 'Remain here, the headmaster will be when he is available' the professor spun on his heel and stalked away, leaving Harry wondering how the hell he would explain missing the feast.  
  
He could have waited any amount of time, but eventually the headmaster came in to the waiting area, 'Ar, Harry, please come in' he motioned to Harry while opening the oak door.  
  
'Please sit down' he pointed to an empty chair on one side of the headmaster's huge desk. Albus Dumbledore sat on the other side and leaned right over to look directly at his child protégée, who promptly squirmed feeling decidedly uncomfortable.  
  
'So, you missed the feast, um?' he sat back eating a sweet from the dish on the table, motioning for Harry to do so with his hand.  
  
Harry shook his head at the offered sweet, and simply replied, 'yes sir'.  
  
Dumbledore nodded still looking closely at Harry, and all was quiet for a few minutes. 'Do you have any reason for this unusual course of action Harry' the headmaster looked relaxed still.  
  
'No sir, I wasn't hungry really, and I was a bit tired, sorry it won't happen again.' He said quickly.  
  
Dumbledore still just sat surveying Harry, and nodded slightly to confirm he had heard the offered lie.  
  
Dumbledore suddenly sat up straight, and smiled at Harry, 'Well no harm done child, but you must be a little hungry, and I had much to attend to during the feast so I am certainly, you can have some supper and then head on to bed Harry'.  
  
'Actually, would you mind if I didn't eat with you, I am rather tired and would really like to just grab a shower and go to sleep sir?' he asked in a would be cheerful voice.  
  
The headmaster looked a little weary temporarily, but soon perked up again, 'very well you may go, take care Harry'.  
  
'Yes sir, thank you' he turned to leave the office, but a voice floated after him.  
  
'By the way Harry, I wasn't wrong on the train, you do have a strong charm or spell on you, if you really are unsure of its origin, or its effects I suggest you find out' the headmasters face looked stern a second and Harry's stomach flipped in fear, and he turned and took the offer to leave.  
  
Luckily by the time Harry returned to the dorms after a long, long shower everyone but the odd seventh year was already in bed. He crept silently up to his room, and instead of going to bed, he retrieved a book and his invisibility cloak, and sat in the corner of the common room and read all night, he watched the sun rise in the morning, and when he heard noises coming from the dorms he slipped silently from them and removed his cloak. He headed towards the great hall, so he could pick up a timetable, luckily the only students around were a few ravenclaws, and the only professor, was Snape, who gave him a very suspicious look as he turned and left the hall, to face the inevitable confrontation with Ron and Hermione, as soon as he opened the portrait hole he saw them both packing their books into bags for the day. 


	6. The Next Morning

The next morning  
  
'Morning guys' he said somewhat shyly, but he smiled nonetheless.  
  
'Harry, where have you been, you missed dinner, and did you come back at all last night?' Hermione sounded incredulous.  
  
'Oh, yeah, well I really didn't want everyone staring at me again, you know because of last year, and I ate loads at the Dursleys before I got here so I wasn't hungry, but Snape found me.' Both his friends gave identical winces, 'yeah I know, but anyway he took me to Dumbledore, who wanted to talk for what seemed like hours, then I had a shower, and when I got back it must have been late cause you guys were in bed, so I went to bed, but I woke up early today, so I went and got our timetables and some toast for breakfast'. Fortunately his friends just gave him a look of sympathy for getting in trouble so soon and started to peruse their timetables.  
  
'Oh, today is horrible, we have double potions after lunch, but first we got defence and then transfiguration' Ron moaned.  
  
Then Harry piped up, 'Ok lets go to the morning lessons, then skip potions to go to hogsmeade, I need to get my new books, the Dursleys didn't take me to Diagon Alley, by the way who's the new DADA'.  
  
'Oh, yeah forgot you didn't know, its Lupin again Harry, isn't that wonderful?' Hermione sounded ecstatic.  
  
Harry forced a smile, 'yes wonderful' he said. Really he thought it was horrible, Lupin was too intuitive for his own good, probably because of the werewolf stuff, and he treat Harry almost like a godson most of the time.  
  
Hermione suddenly looked like bricks had hit her. 'What's wrong Mione' Ron asked.  
  
'Harry just suggested we skip potions and sneak out to Hogsmeade' she sounded faint.  
  
'Jolly good idea if you ask me, wanna go after lunch or straight from transfiguration, we could go to the pub' Ron sounded a lot happier now.  
  
'Absolutely not Harry, no way, go to Dumbledore, tell him about your books, you can't sneak out, think of you know who.' She put on her best professor like voice.  
  
Ron looked thoughtful as though weighing up the chances of going.  
  
'I don't care about Voldemort, he can go to hell, I need to go shopping, and I don't like potions, but your right, you should stay here, I don't want to put you in danger, you too Ron' he said testily.  
  
'No way, I'm coming with, I'm in' he smiled broadly.  
  
'Honestly you two, just don't come crying to me if you get caught.' She huffed and left the room.  
  
Harry and Ron laughed at exactly the same time, Harry was glad to actually feel something for once, Ron and Hermione made him feel better, not better enough to eat, or to live longer than a few weeks, but better, nonetheless. 


	7. Class and the Afternoon Out

Class and the afternoon out.  
  
'Harry?' Remus Lupins voice rang through the quiet room, bringing Harry out of his musings. He looked into the werewolf's eyes questioningly.  
  
'What did I just say Harry?' Lupins voice sounded slightly annoyed.  
  
Harry had no idea, normally he would just shrug this off, he didn't care anymore, but this was Lupin, shit. 'Err, I don't know Sir, I'm sorry' he tried his best to rearrange his features in the 'right look'; innocent and childishly sorry, that should do it.  
  
However Remus did not look amused, he just carried on staring at his best friends son with anger and curiosity, the werewolf in him could smell, almost feel something wrong. 'Very well Mr. Potter, stay behind, I'd like a word' he said clearly sending 'this isn't over' looks at Harry.  
  
'Yes sir' Harry just dropped his head down and wished the day was over already. End of class came quickly enough, and Harry wondered if he could just skip out with the others while his teacher wasn't looking his way, but as he neared the door he felt a strong arm on his shoulder, the touch made him wince, and felt crushingly heavy on his frail arm, he nearly fell.  
  
'Not so fast, I asked you to stay' a voice said quietly over his shoulder, the hand mercifully let go. Harry fought the urge to rub the spot as he turned and tentatively smiled at his favourite professor, the gesture was not returned.  
  
'Where were you today, I thought you more than anyone would concentrate in my class, or are you above the rest of us now' Lupin sounded pissed.  
  
Harry fought the urge to cough, and almost laughed 'no professor, I'm sorry, I just fazed out, it won't happen again'.  
  
'Make sure it doesn't, or I'll test your hex reflexes next time' Remus was only half joking. 'So how are you Harry, you look a little strained, anything wrong?'  
  
'No, just fine thanks, anyway I'll be late for transfiguration, can I go now please?' he silently hoped for a yes, he was tired, and thinking of sleeping until after lunch so he could go shopping later.  
  
'Sure Harry, why don't you come and see me tonight, I have a few things to discuss with you' Harry mentally groaned and even turned slightly so the professor wasn't hurt by the look on his face.  
  
'Can we make it tomorrow, I'm really tired today' he said in a would-be light tone.  
  
'Actually tonight would be the more convenient for me, you can come straight after dinner, Dumbledore wants me to see you' he added for good measure, he could feel something out of place with Harry, it was tangible to his senses.  
  
'Fine, what's it about?' he said dully.  
  
'I'll tell you later, try not to sound so down, I'm not going to kill you Harry.' He smiled hoping to cheer Harry up.  
  
'Ok bye professor, see you later.' He smiled and left quickly.  
  
Instead of heading left to transfiguration, he turned right to the tower, unbeknown to him, the werewolf followed him to the portrait hole, and then left for the headmaster's office.  
  
'Albus, there is something wrong with Harry, I can feel it' he blurted out.  
  
'I know Remus, I'm working on finding out what, all the portraits are watching him, all the mirrors, but not one has come back with anything yet, did you arrange a meeting Remus?' he said as if he were thinking deeply.  
  
'Yes, but he had to be coerced into coming, which in itself is unusual for Harry.' He mused.  
  
'I agree, but had similar problems yesterday, in the end I had to order him into speak with me on the train, he was there early.' Albus added by way of explanation.  
  
'Ok, well thanks for your help, I'll report back tonight, perhaps we can figure this out soon.' The werewolf turned and left.  
  
Back in the dorm Harry just laid and rested, sleep as usual evaded him, and would most probably have been unwelcome anyway.  
  
Ron coming back from lunch disturbed him later. 'Hey mate, we missed you, what happened, was Lupin mad?'  
  
'Nah, he just kept me back ages, and he wants me to meet him after dinner on Dumbledore's behalf, just wonderful' he grinned at his red haired friend nonetheless.  
  
'Oh well, come on Hogsmeade, wanna get out before anyone looks for us, bit stupid missing two classes though, they'll miss you more.' Ron smiled a pitying smile at his friend and went to leave the dorm; Harry grabbed his invisibility cloak and followed Ron to the passage.  
  
Harry actually had some semblance of fun in the village, his cheeks glowed a colour he hadn't had naturally in a long time, and he was very slightly out of breath from exertion, praying not to collapse, as had happened a few times at the Dursley's in his room when he got up to fast, or pushed himself physically.  
  
It wasn't long before they back at the castle, in time for his after dinner meeting, Ron and Harry had eaten in town, well Ron had eaten and Harry had pretended to eat using napkins and handy transfiguration.  
  
The last he felt doing was talking to anyone, he was exhausted, physically and magically. However it would be far worse if he didn't, so saying goodbye to Ron, he climbed up the thankfully few steps to Lupin's office. 


	8. Meetings and Revelations

Meetings and revelations.  
  
'Come in Harry' called the stressed professor.  
  
'Hi Professor, you wanted to see me?' he said nervously.  
  
'Yes sit down, now tell me, are you really ok, because your giving of really mixed up signals, you missed all your classes bar mine, and haven't attended lunch or dinner.' He stated matter of factly.  
  
'Sure, I didn't sleep well, I'll explain to the other professors tomorrow, sorry.' He excused himself.  
  
'Ok, why is there strong grey magic around you?' he pressed a bit further.  
  
'I was doing some complex transfiguration a few minutes ago' Harry said nervously.  
  
'Oh, that's strange I sense an active spell, any ideas?'  
  
'No, I don't think there any long term spells on me, I'll run a check later though' he smiled.  
  
'Do you mind if I try?' Remus knew he was pushing at something that could give or snap, he sincerely hoped it gave.  
  
'Yes I do, I'll do it later, I may not be wonderful at magic but I can manage that much' apparently the 'something' snapped, damn.  
  
'Sorry, I don't doubt that, I was just curious, that's all' he said lightly.  
  
'Anyway the main reason I asked you here was to discuss some extra lessons in duelling, the headmaster thinks it's a good idea.' He smiled surveying his favourite student.  
  
'No' Harry replied sharply, and then thought better of it, 'I mean no thank you, I think I'll be quite busy this year, thank you for the offer'.  
  
Remus was frankly starting to get sick of this game, best friends son or no. 'It wasn't an offer, the headmaster of this school wants you trained, so you will be, I don't care if it doesn't fit in with your social calendar I want you here in your free periods, Monday, Wednesday and Friday as well as Sunday afternoons' he stated in a no nonsense manner that no one argued with.  
  
Harry slumped in his chair, he knew his body wouldn't take the practice and he didn't care about defence anymore anyway. The look must have shown, because Remus Lupin's next comment nearly made him fall off his chair.  
  
'Are you a death eater Harry?' he said entirely seriously, the pieces would fit, sort of.  
  
Harry just stared at him, and then burst out laughing and continued for a minute a two in hysterical tones, before replying sarcastically, 'Oh yes, you found me out, not very good at my job am I?' his tone was bitter too.  
  
'I'll take that as a no, so what is it then, normally you want to have tea with me, or Albus, you ask everything you shouldn't know, and want to learn anything that helps against Voldemort. Suddenly you try and avoid us, skip classes and turn down training that may save your life, well I want an answer, and stop looking at the doors and windows, your not leaving until I get my answer.'  
  
'Who the hell do you think you are, stay out of my business, I'll attend your damn training if I have to buts that's it, I'm not 13 and being held back from some school trip anymore, I'm 15, and as damn near adult as I intend to get for a while, I do what I want when I want. I don't give a shit anymore, its not worth it, none of it, I'm not giving voldemort a seconds thought anymore he already screwed my life, that's why I don't wanna see y'all anymore, you make me think about it, I don't want some stupid training.' He spat viciously.  
  
'Right fine, if that's how you feel, I can give you a note for the headmaster, you can explain this to him, don't think you can come crying to me when this collapses around your feet, I offered help, there was no need to be quite so hurtful, get out.' Remus voice was low and his tone hurt.  
  
This was almost too much for Harry, he stood up to leave, not wanting to leave on bad terms but not seeing an option, unfortunately he stood up too quickly, and his head swam, he collapsed.  
  
Remus was on his feet in an instant; Harry was coming around already, he fire called for Albus to come through.  
  
Harry appeared to be trying to get up with little success. 'Stay still a moment, I want to check you over quickly before we get you down to the hospital wing' Albus said firmly.  
  
'No' Harry panicked trying to sit up but being pushed back down by Remus who was looking at him anxiously.  
  
'Funny, I can't find much wrong, exhaustion, but you shouldn't be tired, and low magical reserves, have you been duelling long Remus?'  
  
'Not at all headmaster, but I have an idea, can I have a word over here' he motioned to a private corner, Harry felt too ill to worry about them too much.  
  
'Ok Remus, that does sound plausible, lets screen first then try some breakers depending on what we find.' He said quietly while walking back to Harry. He crouched over the boy again, 'Ok Harry, I need to do a magical scan, bear with me ok?'  
  
Harry tried to shake his head no, but it made his vision blur so he stopped, only Remus noticed, and dreaded what they might find.  
  
'Oh, how odd, a concealing charm, what are you hiding Harry?' he quizzed gently.  
  
'Oh, just a few spots, you know, a bit embarrassing' he lied carefully.  
  
'Really, that's interested, tell me Harry, why is this charm so strong, and wrapped around your whole body then?' Remus fought the urge to just take it off and be done with the games, but let Albus handle it anyway.  
  
'Can I get up yet, I feel better now, thank you' a touch of the old impatience was evident in his voice.  
  
Remus couldn't wait any more.  
  
'For Gods sake Albus, he's clearly lying, just take off the charms' he snapped.  
  
'Your right I think, last chance to tell us what's going on Harry?' the headmasters voice was firm but deceivingly gentle. Harry looked away, they would find out anyway now, he knew it, and damn it he was so careless he could scream. God only knew what they would do.  
  
'Finite incantatem' Albus cried at the same time as his DADA teacher.  
  
Harry's appearance regained its true form, bones stuck out everywhere, and his skin had fine soft hair covering it. He had developed a whitish blue pallor and looked near death.  
  
'Bloody Merlin' Remus screamed and nearly collapsed himself he certainly was in tears. The headmaster never looked so old or frail as at that moment.  
  
'Get Poppy, and fire call Mungo's quickly' he said soberly. Remus quickly went over to the fireplace and did this with minimum fuss and effort.  
  
'I'm sorry, I didn't want you to find out like this, I'm sorry' he drifted out of consciousness with these last few murmured words.  
  
'Why Harry, why?' Remus whispered to the unconscious boy that he had scooped up in his arms. 


	9. At the Hospital

At the hospital  
  
St Mungo's hospital was sorted into three sections, first the section with physically ill people, second with the long term insane, and third for people like Harry who had fallen temporarily, attempted suicide, anorexia and the like. This department had a large medical facility too, with a trauma team and a whole bunch of psychologists, and nurses.  
  
Harry, being too famous and at risk of harm from the dark side, was rushed into a small side room, and hooked up to various magical machines, and had various spells cast over him before he awoke. The very small and trusted medical team assigned to him were the few who even knew he was in hospital, the cover story told to the school was that Harry was attending training with friends of Albus. Ron, Hermione and the professors were told the truth. Remus wrote to Sirius.  
  
When Harry awoke he was startled to say the least, all he remembered was being incredibly rude to his fathers friend, and then feeling light headed, his face drained as he realised that he had collapsed and he remembered Albus taking down the charms that hid his appearance. A glace down confirmed this, even if they knew now he would like the charms back, it made him feel more comfortable, less noticeable, more able to hide; the ultimate goal.  
  
He tried to sit up but soon found that various pieces of equipment meant this was impossible, the equipment was unlike anything Harry had ever seen at Hogwarts infirmary. Hence he deduced he was not at Hogwarts. That led to the question of where he was and how to get back, so he rationally tried to go about taking off the various contraptions that were attached to his person. He finally got through enough and tried again to sit up and get off the bed, still no joy, although he could see no good reason for the obstruction. He went to reach his wand, but found it was nowhere to be seen, 'great' he murmured, 'stuck in a strange bed and no wand, what have I got myself into this time'. He fought against the invisible bond a little more, but got nowhere because the door he had seen on the far wall opened to reveal Remus Lupin. Harry was glad to see a familiar face, someone who could help him; he smiled broadly at his teacher. Unfortunately Remus didn't look too happy, and didn't smile in return.  
  
'Great you're here, help me will you, I can't find my wand, and I managed to undo all those strange items but I still can't get up' Harry commented struggling once again against the bed before flopping back down.  
  
'Merlin Harry, what are you doing, why have you taken all the machines apart, and forget getting up, the beds charmed you can struggle for eternity the bonds won't give, now lay down and relax, I'll fetch the nurse.' Remus looked panicked.  
  
'No, wait, where the hell am I, what nurse, why are you just standing their help me for Christ sakes.' He yelled.  
  
'Help you? I am helping you; you're at St. mungo's hospital, and I'm going to fetch the nurse whose taking care of you so she can redo those things you've destroyed, I imagine she'll be upset, it took them a while. Why are you trying to get up, do you need something?' Remus explained patiently.  
  
'I am trying to get up because I suddenly woke up in a strange place with no wand, and you seem to want me to stay here, when can we go back to Hogwarts, how did I get here?' he asked in a scared tone resisting the urge to lash about beneath the bonds.  
  
'I bought you here, your sick, so you need some help Harry, help we can't give at Hogwarts, I need you to stay here a while, maybe a few months, until your better, ok?' He asked in a kind voice that was filled with a concern Harry didn't understand.  
  
'No, you can't leave me here, I can't get up, and I need my wand, do you have it?' he asked; now he was squirming against the invisible barrier.  
  
'I have to leave you here, you can't get up because if you could you would attempt to run away, and your in no fit state to stand really anyway, now those bonds are a mild form of restraint, they won't bother you if you relax, and no I won't take them off, you need them there for a while, calm down and stop struggling, just relax, that's better. Right Albus has your wand, you can have it back when you return to school, when your better.' Remus was very patient with his student given the levels of distress running through him.  
  
'But. I need my wand, I'm not ok without it, please, I won't kill anyone.' He begged.  
  
'No, I know you won't but still, you are safe here, and the staff prefer it if you do not use magic, especially minors, but I must get the nurse Harry, just wait here, I'll come back later tonight and you can tell me whatever you like, help me understand' he turned to leave.  
  
'Don't want to talk, don't come.' He said sulkily.  
  
'If you want out you have to talk about this, you can either talk to Albus or I, or one of the doctors, but you have to talk.' He stated firmly, knowing full well he would be back tonight and everyday until the nurse banned him from coming.  
  
A few minutes later a nurse came in, 'Hello Mr. Potter, how are you feeling?' she asked while walking to his side.  
  
'Fine' he said shortly.  
  
'What have you done to these, we put them there to help you Mr. Potter, please leave them alone.' She requested politely.  
  
'Sorry, I panicked, no one told me where I was.' He replied testily, 'besides they were uncomfortable, are you going to re attach them now?'  
  
'Yes, I'm sorry but you need them at the moment, perhaps in a few weeks you can eat a little better on your own and won't need so many?' this was phased as a question.  
  
Harry ignored her as she worked.  
  
'My names Sada' she said cheerfully as she stood back up, 'I'll be around a lot if you need anything Mr. Potter'.  
  
'Fine, can you take of this bond, I want to sit up.' He asked in a pissed tone.  
  
'Nope sorry, doctors orders, only she can take it off and I would imagine that she won't at least for the time being, its best to just relax, try and sleep some and ignore it, the bond only bothers you if you struggle.'  
  
He turned his head away as she left. 


	10. First Visitors

First Visitors  
  
Harry didn't sleep, he was still tired but like always knew sleep meant a loss of control from his thoughts. It felt like only minutes before Remus came back, but a glance around told him it was probably night time, he was feeling worse by the minute, and he knew that he was somehow being fed, he could feel the food in him, and just wanted to throw up, unfortunately that seemed to be impossible. This was the main reason he tried to ignore the man in the door, for lack of anyone else familiar around; it was his fault Harry had decided.  
  
'Hello, did you sleep well? See look a came back to see you, told you I would' Remus added kindly.  
  
There was a silence.  
  
'Do you need anything, would you like some food perhaps?' he asked wearily.  
  
Harry just glared back furiously.  
  
'Perhaps not, your quiet tonight, you wouldn't shut up earlier' he joked.  
  
He got death glares again; perhaps Harry was wrong about killing someone if he had a wand..  
  
'Talk to me Harry, or I can't help you, I want to help, explain what's wrong.' He pleaded. Still no response, he decided to try a different tack.  
  
'I wrote to Sirius, I expect he'll come back as soon as possible, he loves you, you know?' he said softly.  
  
'Still he might not be so happy with you at the moment, I'm sure he'll understand though, if you explain it to us.' He probed.  
  
Harry was still silent, but slowly tears formed in those large, green eyes. Harry tried to look away, blink them back, but they spilled over anyway. Remus saw his chance to get closer to Harry, and went and hugged him. At first Harry tried to pull away, but eventually he relaxed and started to sob into his professors robes. Remus just held him and let him cry. Harry fell asleep like that, and Remus put him back down on the pillows and sat in the chair for a while, he fell asleep there.  
  
When Harry awoke from a trouble free sleep, Remus was still there, Harry remembered how he had fallen asleep, and was slightly embarrassed, but he reached out for the mans hand anyway. Remus felt the cool hand slip into his own, and woke slowly, when he looked up he saw frightened green eyes peering at him from over a bed.  
  
He smiled warmly and got a small shy smile back in return, but unlike the other times Harry had smiled at him recently, this smile felt genuine.  
  
'Are you ok?' he whispered.  
  
'No, I'm not, I'm scared, I don't like it here.' He admitted in a faltering voice.  
  
'I'm scared too Harry, scared for you, because I care, I don't want you to be so sick, I know its not great here, but they can help you, just let them kiddo, and I'll be around if you need me.' He squeezed the small, bony hand.  
  
'Thank you, don't leave me I need you, I'm sorry.'  
  
'Why sorry Harry? Of course I won't leave you, I'll stay as long as I can, and I'll always be back again, you can't get rid of me that easy.' He joked.  
  
'I'm sorry for what I said yesterday, I didn't mean to hurt you, but I didn't want you to find out the truth, I knew you'd see something was wrong, you always do, and you scared me, I knew I couldn't train in duelling, I'm too weak, and my magical energies non existent. Duelling challenges both, I would have just keeled over, I know I did anyway, got up to fast, I'm sorry you had to find out, now I'm just burdening you with my problems and I know I'm not worth your time, but I need you, I hate needing you, and I understand if you want to go, I'm sorry' he was sobbing again by now.  
  
'Harry calm down, its ok, I want to be here; honestly you are more than worth my time. I understand now why you were hiding yesterday, and I'm really glad you want my help, because I want to help, I care Harry honestly; just trust me, we'll get you better.' He pulled Harry back into his arms again. Harry just laid back and rested.  
  
'Albus is coming in tomorrow, he wants to see you, and I think that your doctor will be in too, perhaps you can bother her for some changes, perhaps she might release the restraints slightly.' He said for conversations sake really.  
  
'I don't want to see anyone else, the headmaster will be so disappointed, and the staff here don't like me' Harry whispered remembering the nurse who seemed slightly short tempered with him from earlier.  
  
'Albus cares Harry, yes he won't like what's happened, but I'm disappointed too, and you want me to come, give him a chance. And the staff here do like you I'm sure, you haven't even met the doctor yet, lets save judgement shall we?' he smiled and tapped Harry lightly on the head affectionately. Harry giggled slightly.  
  
'The nurse was horrible, she called me Mr. Potter the whole time, and insisted on putting all this back on' he motioned to the equipment. 'And she's feeding me too, I feel sick, I don't like her either though.' He said in a childish voice.  
  
Remus laughed, 'Oh dear Harry, she was being polite and doing her job, did you ask her to call you Harry?'  
  
'No' came a small voice.  
  
'Well then, just ask, and she had to put those devices back on, there keeping you alive, yes you feel sick now because you haven't eaten for months, but soon you'll feel better again. Give the staff a chance here, besides I expect you were being spectacularly rude to the poor woman.' He added with a knowing smile.  
  
Harry looked down guiltily. Remus chuckled again, 'its ok, they understand, and are used to it, you were just being defensive.' He told Harry kindly.  
  
Remus really wanted to question Harry, but knew he had already gotten a long way, and didn't want to push this tentative trust to far just yet, so he settled for tucking Harry back into the bed, and kissing him lightly of the forehead as he settled into sleep. After he was sure Harry was back in a deep sleep, he left to prepare his morning lesson, feeling tired and emotionally drained. 


	11. The Next Day

The next day.  
  
Harry awoke early, a nurse came in, he remembered her saying something or other but he didn't reply, and she checked his machines. He did see her smile at least. It was a little later that he was daydreaming, and trying to remember what Remus had said that the door opened, he didn't even look up. He heard a voice he recognised as his headmasters, and then he couldn't look up, he wanted to run and hide and not have to see anyone, except perhaps Remus, who was his new friend. Some part of Harry's mind registered that he was behaving like a four year old, but his instincts were telling him that this was clearly rational, as he couldn't handle others disappointment right now. He knew that Albus was speaking but had fazed him out to a point where he heard only the voice, not the words they spoke. Then a slightly harsher sound made its way through the shell he had built.  
  
'Merlin Harry, do you even hear me?' his headmaster appeared to have shouted this, but it shocked Harry enough to peer out at the headmasters over the top of his covers.  
  
Albus for his part saw a pair of startled green eyes peek out at him after he shouted; he was amazed anyone could phase out his chatter so long.  
  
'Ah, good, I was afraid for a moment I had the wrong room, but you are here after all, lemon sherbet?' he said as if nothing was wrong.  
  
Harry sat up as far as he could and just stared incredulously at the man, who still way holding a paper bag with sweets in near Harry's arms.  
  
'No? Well no matter, more for me, its not so bad here is it, nice and colourful, are you comfortable, settled in?' Albus still spoke in a tone that suggested he was commenting on the weather.  
  
Harry glanced at the walls, which he noticed for the first time, were red and blue, he really didn't care about the colour scheme though. 'What is it you want headmaster?' he said finally after pondering the odd behaviour for a few minutes, he felt a bit like Snape when he spoke in such a cold manner, he almost winced.  
  
'Oh, just thought you might like some company, a chat, but it seems that your about as friendly as Severus when he comes up for tea, no matter though, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it soon enough.' He tilted his head to the side and smiled at Harry, whom was still somewhat in shock at this very calm man who still thought he was commenting on the weather.  
  
'Oh' Harry said looking confused, perhaps he should enquire about a long- term slot in department two for the headmaster.  
  
'Are you Ok Harry, you look a little lost' he still smiled benignly.  
  
'Err, yes fine, are you leaving soon?' he tried to match the older mans tone.  
  
'No, no I'm just fine here, I have some free time today, and a whole bag of sweets to eat, and if you won't share them, then it will take me some time to eat them.' He winked.  
  
'You could take them back to the school you know?' Harry was really puzzled now.  
  
'Yes, but its nice to have company, and everyone there is always so busy, but you don't look busy, so I'll talk to you.' 'Oh, wonderful' Harry said dryly.  
  
'I knew you'd come around to my way of thinking' he grinned at Harry again.  
  
Harry groaned loudly and tried to throw his pillow in the headmaster's direction, but because of the bond only managed in pulling it half way out from underneath him, making him uncomfortable. The headmaster was still sat there with a worryingly serene smile.  
  
'Would you like some help there Harry?' he asked, cocking his head to the side again.  
  
'No' shouted Harry, pulling his pillow straight eventually. His face was flushed with exertion when he had finished; he looked back around at the cause of his current distress. It wasn't leaving.  
  
'Go 'way' he mumbled.  
  
'What was that Harry, didn't hear you right?'  
  
'Go away' Harry shouted he couldn't take the mans cheerful nature anymore, it had gotten to him. What he didn't know was that this was the mans objective all along.  
  
'No' he said sharply, Harry whirled his head back around in shock at the change in voice, the gormless smile was gone; it was replaced with something like anger. 'I will not leave, I have every right to visit you, you have disappointed me I confess, but I still care and wish to be of any assistance I can, you need help and I have the time and wish to fulfil that need.'  
  
'I'm not a charity case, I don't need your help, I just want to be left alone, I hate it here it is not comfortable, I'm not settling in, and I don't care one bit what the décor is like.' He pulled once more against the damn bonds and slumped back in anger.  
  
'I'll see you tomorrow then Harry, don't worry I understand what you really meant was thank you, I'd love some help and the red and blue walls really compliment each other' the smile was back.  
  
Harry couldn't help it anymore, he laughed, and tears streamed down his face as he fought to control the giggles that came in waves that seemed to release his misery a little at a time. Finally he managed to calm down, the headmaster was smiling at him again, but it was a true warm smile, not a sinister crazy old man smile. Harry smiled back, and the old man chuckled.  
  
'Wonderful, I go back to Hogwarts and rest easy now, I have successfully made you a little happier with my wonderful sense of humour, now if I could only get you to eat..' He trailed of as if in thought.  
  
Harry picked at an invisible piece of cotton on his sheet, tears threatened to spill from his eyes again, he didn't want that but the headmaster seemed to understand.  
  
'Oh well, I have grumbling professors to listen to, and rule breaking students to see, I'll be back in a day or two Harry, feel better.' He turned and left, Harry waved him goodbye, Albus had made him feel better, and he half wondered why he was so reluctant to see these people. After all Remus didn't care if he cried in the night, and Albus made him laugh all the time. The one person he was truly worried about seeing was Sirius, his gut told him that he might not be so kind as the others. 


	12. The doctor

The doctor.  
  
An indefinable amount of time later the doctor came in, and jolted Harry out of his musings on when Remus was coming back. Harry glanced around at a small, petite, brunette woman, who wore glasses and looked about thirty and wore a broad smile and jeans. Harry decided she looked nice, but was still weary of her.  
  
'Mr. Potter I presume?' she looked up at him for confirmation. He raised an eyebrow at her, why was she asking him? Surely she knew.  
  
Huge green orbs just stared at her blankly.  
  
'Well are you or are you not Mr. Potter?' she asked again, smiling at him kindly.  
  
Harry, blinked at her again, then said in a quiet voice, 'yes, it's Harry though if you don't mind, excuse me but who are you?' Harry didn't know this was the doctor, he was expecting someone older, with formal hospital attire.  
  
'Sorry, I'm Doctor Stone, but you can call me Emma, Harry.' She moved closer to his bed and planted herself in his chair.  
  
'Oh' he said, then a small version of Remus Lupin appeared at the back of his mind, 'perhaps you can bother her for some changes, perhaps she can release the restraints slightly too' said the echo. Harry decided to try and be nice to his doctor, so he turned to face her and smiled back. 'Hello, its nice to meet you.'  
  
'Is it, I don't usually get that response from my first time patients?' she raised an eyebrow.  
  
Harry flushed slightly, 'Sorry, professor Lupin said I should be nice to you.'  
  
'That's fine, I don't mind, is Professor Lupin your visitor who stayed last night?' she probed gently.  
  
'Yes, he's nice, he was one of my fathers best friends.' He replied.  
  
'Its nice that he's looking out for you. Your headmaster came by today right?' she quizzed.  
  
'Yes I was a bit scared he might be angry but he was Ok really.' He smiled shyly, for some reason he felt he could trust this woman.  
  
'Good, so why are you here?' she asked, in a down to earth manner.  
  
Harry nearly fell of his bed; he may have if the restraints weren't there.  
  
'What's funny Harry?' she asked looking confused.  
  
'Well you're the doctor, your keeping me here, against my will I might add, and your asking me what's wrong, do you see a problem?' he asked in the manner that a professor would ask a pupil.  
  
'You wanna go back to school?' she asked genuinely curious.  
  
'No, I always wanted to be locked up in hospital, of course I want out, are you crazy?' he asked softly.  
  
'No, are you?'  
  
Disbelief showed in Harry's eyes, 'no' he whispered.  
  
'Glad we cleared that up' she smiled again.  
  
They were quiet for a few moments. 'I can't let you go just yet Harry.'  
  
Harry ignored her.  
  
'I'd really like to wave my wand and make you better, but I can't, magic doesn't have an answer for everything and the cure for you is a very muggle answer. We have to feed you slowly, try and make sure this doesn't happen again.' She persisted looking for an opening.  
  
Harry thought about this for a few moments before he answered, 'but I don't want you to make me better, just let me go back to hogwarts, please?'  
  
'No, I can't do that, its now my responsibility to make sure you live, and get well again' she said softly.  
  
'And if that's not what I want?' he asked.  
  
'Then you make my job harder, but more rewarding when you get better and decide you like being well and alive, I'll do my best to help you Harry, but eventually you'll have to meet me half way if you want to leave. I can make you get better, these machines do that, but if you want to go back, you have to be able to gain weight on your own.' She answered matter of factly.  
  
'I don't like the machines' he said quietly.  
  
'They are very necessary.' She replied.  
  
'You won't take them away?' he asked.  
  
'No'  
  
'Then I'll take them off again, I don't like them there uncomfortable and they make me feel sick' he stated calmly, staring at the ceiling.  
  
'Don't, I know its not pleasant but they are keeping you alive, we have work to do before I can allow them to be removed, besides if you persist the consequences will not be pleasant.' She warned.  
  
'Oh?' he asked curiously.  
  
'Do you want 24 hour a day supervision? One of the nurses can arrange it if you do.'  
  
'No' he whispered somewhat defeated.  
  
'Good, I'm sure we can work together Harry, you just have to relax, take a break and let someone else make the decisions for a while, trust us' she reassured.  
  
He looked away not knowing if that was possible or even if he wanted it.  
  
'Now is there anything else you want to know?' she asked.  
  
He thought for a bit, 'yes, I don't like this invisible thing, I can't sit up properly and fighting its making me tired. Can you take it off? The nurse said that only you could remove it.'  
  
'No not yet, I Have a question Harry, do you trust me? Answer completely honestly' she looked him in the eyes.  
  
'Something inside me tells me to, but no I don't trust you, I can't yet, too many people have betrayed me for me to trust you so readily.'  
  
She nodded and looked deep in thought. Finally she said, 'Do you expect me to trust you?'  
  
'No' he said wondering where she was going.  
  
'Exactly, I want to believe that if I removed those bonds that you would stay in bed and leave the medical equipment in place and not run as soon as you saw a window, but I can't believe that just yet, I don't know you well enough to trust that much. Do you understand?' she spoke softly and Harry found himself trusting her more and more and giving over the control to her.  
  
'Ok' he sighed resignedly.  
  
'You will be tired if you fight though Harry, if you relax, sit up slowly, you will not feel the bonds, but if you panic or try to get up they will come down against you, the more you struggle the lower they come, and as soon as you relax they will go back to normal, do you see? Fighting is futile, just relax and forget about them. I want you to stay in bed a while, your not strong enough to stand yet anyway.' She explained. Harry tried her theory against the bonds and found it to be true, if he moved in a relaxed way he didn't feel them, then he sat up sharply and felt himself being pushed back down against the pillow by an invisible force, he squirmed but the force only grew in strength, finally he collapsed back and relaxed and he felt the force leave as quickly as it came. Emma watched in some amusement as he tested it.  
  
'How the hell is that possible' he asked, his cheeks rosy from exertion. 'I've never seen magic so interactive before'.  
  
'Easy if you know how, I would show you but then my spell might not work so well, and you might try and get up.' She laughed.  
  
'Ok, what happens now Emma?' he changed back to being serious.  
  
'Just relax, I'll let you know in due course, for now I want you to lay back and relax, don't touch the machinery, keep seeing your friends sometimes, and I'll come by a couple of times a week and we'll talk some. When you're a little stronger we can start the real work, and believe me we have some tough times ahead kiddo. Make the most of a few weeks in bed with no stress apart from those machines that your itching to pull apart.' She joked.  
  
'Emma?'  
  
'Yep?'  
  
'Can I have some sleeping potion?' He braved.  
  
'Why?' she asked.  
  
'Would it shock you to know I wanted to sell it to my headmaster?' he joked, skirting around the subject.  
  
'Not really, but I don't believe you, Albus wouldn't need any, so suppose you tell me why you might need the potion, and I see what we could mix with your current drugs without hurting you?' she offered.  
  
'Well I can't sleep well, dreamless sleep potion would just help that's all.'  
  
'Do you get to sleep ok?'  
  
'Yes'  
  
'Nightmares?'  
  
'Sometimes'  
  
'Want to tell me about them' she pushed feeling a sensitive area.  
  
'No' he turned away.  
  
'Maybe when you do I can help' she bribed.  
  
'Perhaps, oh well is there anything else Doctor' he asked bitterly, he was fed up now and wanted the annoying woman to go away.  
  
'Why so bitter Harry?' she asked gently.  
  
'I don't want you here, your not helping, I had three things bothering me; I understand about the first two, you have to do your job, keep me alive I get it. But what I don't understand is why you won't help me sleep better, half the reason I'm so god damn ill is because I'm tired, so just go and leave me alone.' He spat on the verge of tears.  
  
'No, I want to help but you won't tell me the problem, you're asking for temporary relief and not a permanent cure.'  
  
'I can't stay asleep I get nightmares ok, I just want to be able to sleep can you help me or not doctor?'  
  
'Can you tell me what the nightmares are about?' she probed.  
  
'No' he said shortly.  
  
'When you tell me more details I'll work on a solution, until then you'll just have to see how it goes' she said quietly after some thought.  
  
Tears swam in his bright green eyes; he turned his head away so she couldn't see.  
  
'Its ok to be upset, really it is, but sometimes when you want something you have to give in return' she stated.  
  
He was openly sobbing now, 'get out, just leave me alone' he cried.  
  
She did leave then, sighing as she ended her first visit with the new patient badly, she was slightly upset too, it had all been going along fine until then, but she couldn't give him drugs randomly, not with his system so frail. If she knew the root she would be able to find the right drug and dose to administer, but without it, the procedure would be trial and error, something she could not afford to play at this stage. 


	13. Remus' Back

Remus' back.  
  
When the door opened again, Harry still had tears running down his cheeks, Remus came over and sat back down by his bed. He put a hand on Harry's shoulder.  
  
'What's wrong Harry, what happened?'  
  
Harry started sobbing again and pulled his friend closer back into a hug and the safety of those strong arms. He didn't answer the question it was just so hard to explain it all and he wasn't sure his voice would hold out. Luckily Remus didn't seem to mind and just let Harry cry. Again Harry eventually quieted and fell asleep against him.  
  
'This is becoming quite the habit' he mused silently smiling down at the thin boy who seemed to find him an anchor, he was glad, he liked the boy a lot and had been heartbroken when the charms came down.  
  
It was only a few minutes before Harry awoke with a start and a shrill scream; he quickly pulled himself together and attempted to pull himself into a corner sharply. Of course this meant the bond pulled in the opposite direction resulting in a mess of limbs. Harry in his sleepy state panicked and Remus realised what was happening and jumped up as though shocked.  
  
He laid both hands firmly on the squirming child until Harry was pushed back against the bed fully, the bond relaxed and Harry was only struggling against him. Harry soon came around though and looked up in to his eyes and relaxed completely.  
  
'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that.' He murmured.  
  
'That's ok, did you have a nightmare?' he asked patiently.  
  
'Yes and when I woke up I realised where I was and sat up to quickly and the bond pulled and I got confused and thought I was actually in my nightmare, thank you I didn't hurt you did I?' he questioned.  
  
Remus chuckled slightly, 'Harry of course you didn't hurt me, your pretty weak right now, are you hurt, you were fighting pretty hard just a moment ago.'  
  
Harry blushed, 'No, I'm ok, just a little tired and I am not weak, well maybe just a little but your not allowed to tell me so.' He pouted like a small child.  
  
'Tell me about your dream?' he asked questioningly.  
  
'No' he pouted again.  
  
Remus matched his childlike demeanour, 'oh why not Harry?' he tried to pout too, but failed miserably.  
  
Harry laughed, 'because you git, I don't want to!'  
  
'Ok, what do you want to do?' he asked.  
  
Harry laughed again but it was slightly more bitter. 'Well perhaps we could go for a walk, or a bit of shopping, maybe even some duelling?'  
  
'Normally I'd be up for that but that nurse outside the door looks really strict and I don't want to explain to her where we're going, would you settle for exploding snap, or perhaps chess instead.' He whispered conspirator style.  
  
Harry smiled an amused sort of smile, 'not today Remus I'm a bit sleepy' he yawned. Then sat up wide-eyed and apologised profusely.  
  
'What did you do Harry?' Remus asked. 'Err, I called you Remus I shouldn't do that, I'm sorry.' He said quickly.  
  
'Why shouldn't you do that Harry its my name after all?' he said as if quizzing him in class.  
  
'But. I, well.' he stuttered.  
  
'Harry calm down, I'm not upset I'm pleased, I want to get to know you better and it really doesn't feel right with you calling me professor the whole time, Remus is just fine, after all you seem to regularly fall asleep on me.' He chuckled slightly and Harry gave him a small smile.  
  
Harry was tired now, he wanted to stare into space a while, and perhaps hex the nurses, if only he had a wand, in fact he was starting to feel more depressed by the minute.  
  
'Remus, you should go now, I'm tired and not in the mood to have visitors, is that ok with you.' He asked tentatively.  
  
'Sure kid, get some rest, I'll be back tomorrow, feel better!' he turned and left. 


	14. The Biggest Mistake

The biggest mistake  
  
Harry spent the next few hours falling back into a mood like he had felt during the summer, only blacker. A while later another nurse came in, he almost ignored her too, but almost when it was too late he saw a wand sticking out of her pocket, so he quickly engaged her in a false conversation, she came closer, and he slipped his arm from underneath the cover and pulled out the wand, which was quickly concealed beneath his covers. The hand as they say is quicker than the eye. He thanked the nurse for her help and she left.  
  
He pulled out the wand, it was smooth and felt like cherry wood, and perhaps it was phoenix feather too, as the wand felt ever so slightly familiar with his magical signature, it was a match, not like his own wand, but it had enough of a match for him to use it.  
  
At first Harry tried to release the bond, but he didn't know the type of magic that held it together, and the simple curse breakers didn't work, without the knowledge he knew he had no hope in getting out of the bed.  
  
He played with the wand beneath his fingers for a while, it felt good to have the object in his possession, even though it was only a few days he missed his magic, the familiar feel of his wand, it was a comfortable presence like a friend.  
  
Then it came to him, he picked up a spare blanket, 'transfigero blanket' it turned in to a steel knife, cold and hard. Harry ran his hands along the length of the knife savouring the feeling, before plunging it into his left arm. Before he had the chance to run it further along up his arm, a familiar voice rang through the room.  
  
Albus Dumbledore had just decided to spend an hour checking on his favourite pupil, but as he walked in to the room he was confronted with a shocking and terrifying scene, the boy was sat there with a large knife sticking in his arm, a strange smile on his face, and an unfamiliar wand lying forgotten at his side. Albus almost went to pieces but pulled himself together enough to sort out the problem at hand, he lifted his wand.  
  
'Accio Knife' the voice screamed, and in a second the wand was gone to. The man who shouted the spell was as white as a ghost and had no hint of a twinkle in his blue eyes.  
  
Harry stared at him like a rabbit in the headlights, and Albus stared back in shock. Harry promptly collapsed. This brought Albus back to his senses, he pushed a panic button.  
  
Emma Stone came running in followed by two nurses. The scene was taken in quickly. The nurses quickly took care of the wound and cast a sleeping spell over Harry, and Emma took Albus into a side room.  
  
'What happened, is that your wand Albus?' she demanded.  
  
'No Emma, alas I do not know who it belongs to, I merely decided to stop by and see how he was doing and I walked in on him plunging a knife into his wrist, the wand was lying on the bed, I can only assume that the knife was transfigured.' He said sadly shaking his head in disbelief.  
  
'I knew he was depressed Emma, but I didn't think he'd try this, I'm worried for him'.  
  
Emma nodded also looking a little weary. 'Yes, me too, I am curious as to how this happened, security is tight, could it belong to your DADA professor he stopped by earlier?'  
  
'No, Remus' wand is ebony and dragon heart string, this is cherry and phoenix feather' he sighed heavily.  
  
'Wait, phoenix feather and cherry? I think this is Sada's wand, I'll ask her.' She turned and left the room.  
  
A little while later she came in looking most grim. 'I'm sorry Albus it seems one of my team was careless earlier, and he stole it from her, she hadn't realised it was missing.' The doctor looked a little ashamed, she had once been one of Albus' pupils.  
  
'It wasn't your fault, may I see him now?' he asked.  
  
'Yes for a while but he is asleep, and the hospital may want him transferred from my care, this changes things.' She said cautiously.  
  
'How so child?' the doctor didn't mind being called this by Albus, few ever did.  
  
'Its suicide now, not eating disorders, suicide always takes priority, he may be moved to that department or he may just see another doctor here' she rubbed her forehead.  
  
'I'll see what I can do, I don't trust the suicide team here, New York's branch is far more competent. I'll talk to the hierarchy here and contact Lainey a little later. After all I can pull a few strings over your managers here' he winked and smiled slightly. 


	15. The Suicide Team

**The Suicide Team**

Lainey was sitting down to her lunch in a small office, in a hidden section of Manhattans main muggle hospital. This section was a branch of the wizarding hospital St. Mungo's. She was the director of the suicide team here and had five doctors working with her. They were Jenny, Bridget, Kiesha, and Andrea. She didn't pick favourites but everyone knew that Bridget and Kiesha were the better doctors, Jenny was an acquired taste and frankly Lainey had thought about getting rid of her on more than one occasion. Andrea would be all right, she was new and getting a little too close to Jenny, but still she might work out. Even with these minor problems New York's department was widely considered one of the better facilities, and Lainey got the recognition she deserved for putting together such a team of vibrant young doctors who had a good success rate.

Suddenly an elderly wizard fell through her fireplace, and straightened up. 'Albus' she cried, 'how wonderful to see you, and you still look so well'. She hugged him.

'Ah, Lainey, always a pleasure my dear woman.' He returned the enthusiastic greeting, remembering that New Yorkers were more affectionate than Londoners on the whole.

'So, is this a social visit or is their something you needed' she went and perched on her desk, Albus sat in the chair.

'Alas, yes I have a favour to ask, tell me are Bridget and Kiesha around?'

'Yes of course, do you have a patient for me?' she asked curiosity aroused.

'Possibly, yes but I need to speak with you all together could you fetch them?' he answered peacefully, seeing the slight impatience in the doctors eyes.

'Sure', she used a magical device to cal them to the office, and conjured some comfortable chairs and a table, making the office look like a boardroom. Albus smiled approvingly.

Soon a perfectly proportioned black woman of about 23 sauntered in wearing a colourful ensemble, a smile lighting up her face.

'Albus, wonderful to see you again, so ya need that therapy yet?' she joked. His eyes twinkled at her, 'Alas no not yet Kiesha, but I will wait for your fine colleague before making my intentions clear'.

As if on cue a white woman with shoulder length brown hair, who was slightly plump, came in, looking flustered, but soon perked up when she saw Albus.

'Hey Albus, how's it going' she had a very soft drawling voice that was almost melodic and she smiled almost the whole time.

'Not so well Bridget, that is why I came, I have a student of mine, he needs some help, and I really don't trust the London team, however your discretion and success is key in this task, most of all your discretion. Now my pupil is already in the eating disorders department in London, I want him to stay there, he is under the care of Emma Stone, who I believe can help him enormously, but he has attempted suicide this afternoon, and the hospital regulations insist he has a doctor from suicide to over see this as well. So I approach you, but once again I say that this is a delicate case, he must not die, nor must you reveal his whereabouts to anyone. Are you all interested?' he asked.

'Sure, how old is this student?' Lainey asked, taking out a notepad.

'Does he have a name' Kiesha asked.

Bridget pulled a decision making face then nodded and smiled.

'Excellent, now his name is Harry, he is 15, would you be able to come through for a meeting with Emma, then perhaps meet Harry?' he asked lightly.

'Yes Albus, of course we will, Bridget and Kiesha can go back with you, and I'll just let Jenny and Andrea know and follow.' She smiled and Albus left quickly followed by the two young doctors.

'I will fetch Harry, perhaps you could make your way to a meeting room with our guests Emma?' he asked.

'Certainly Albus, I'm pleased you found suitable doctors, not speak ill of a colleague but Katie Watson's methods leave much to be desired.' She swept away.

Harry was awake when Albus came in, and he was feeling decidedly uncomfortable, all his machines had been detached and moved away, and the bonds that held him to the bed had tightened considerably, they only allowed the slightest movement, and were tangible all the time.

Harry tried to look away but found it impossible so closed his eyes.

'Harry, I know you are awake, open your eyes, I won't hurt you, but I have somebody I want you to meet, do you think you can stand?' he asked softly, now was not the time to be angry, later would do for the questions and recriminations.

'Yes' he spoke softly as if afraid.

'Good', he spoke some Latin words Harry didn't catch, but he knew that suddenly he was free and shot up in bed.

'Slowly Harry, you may be dizzy' Albus placed a steadying hand on his shoulder, and helped him to his weak legs, which shook but held out.

Albus really wanted to carry him, but knew Harry would not appreciate it, so resigned himself to guiding the boy via his shoulders and arms.

Finally they reached the room and Albus sat Harry in a chair facing three strange people, he sat between Albus and Emma. Lainey it seemed had arrived.

Harry heard an intake of breath.

'My God that's Harry Potter' said an uplifting American voice.

'Albus you might have warned us that we would be treating the boy who lived.'

Harry cringed and pulled himself to hide in Albus's robes.

'Get them out of here, now. I do not want to put up with three bloody Americans who never saw a scar before gawking at me like I'm from another planet. Get them out, I am not a museum piece' he screamed at the old headmaster, who looked sad.

Suddenly a small black woman had kneeled before his chair and rested a hand on his knee, 'Harry I'm sorry it was a shock that's all, my mom always told me about you when I was like eight or something, I didn't mean to react like that, please, I won't stare at you no more, promise.' She put a hand over her heart. Harry fought the urge to laugh.

'But there's too many of you here, I don't like it, you all look at me' he whispered quietly.

'You're my new patient do you suppose I should close my eyes every time I'm near you?' she cocked her head to one side.

'No, but…'

'But nothing, now come meet Bridget the other bloody American, and Lainey who so far hasn't even raised an eyebrow at you.' She reassured. Albus gave him a small push and reassuring smile.

'Hey Harry, sorry about that, stupid reaction, you think we could erase that and start again, so I say something like 'Hello Mr. Potter pleased to meet you?' and not some dumbass comment that makes me sound like my IQ is negative?' Bridget's voice asked, her voice made it sound like she was smiling.

Harry nodded, then looked to the third new person, who just looked him back squarely in the eyes.

'Your quiet' he observed.

'Yeah, I am, not much to say really, as you've been told I'm Lainey, I head up the New York psych departments suicide ward. These are my two finest doctors, Lakiesha and Bridget. I'm in charge of your case now, along with Dr. Stone.' She said in formal tones, still holding his eyes.

'Why are you here, this is London?' he asked confused.

'To see you, a favour to Albus, your our newest patient.'

'Oh, but I already have a doctor' he went back to sit with Emma, seeking comfort.

'I don't think you quite understand the seriousness of your actions Mr. Potter, Dr Stone, while a brilliant doctor, is not trained to deal with this type of illness, hence you have some extra doctors.' She explained calmly.

'Oh, so why three of you?' he asked, still confused.

'Well, you attempted to kill yourself, the more doctors the better I'd say' she raised an eyebrow. Harry looked away.

'I see we have an agreement, now I will go easy on you for now, try this again and life will be more difficult, including a transfer to maximum security in New York'.


	16. Sirius reactions

Sirius Reactions  
  
Reactions to the newest development were not as he would have expected, Remus just came in and hugged him tightly until he wasn't sure he would be able to breath much longer. Albus didn't question him, but Harry knew he was itching to.  
  
A few days later a strange man came into his room with Remus, Harry assumed this was another doctor or nurse. However this one looked angry and completely unfriendly, he appeared to be snarling somewhat, and Remus was trying to calm him down. Harry curled up the best he could manage fully intending to ignore the ill tempered stranger. He heard Remus mutter several charms, and suddenly an all too familiar voice rang through the room, and Harry didn't like its tone. Sirius Black, it appeared had come back to visit his godson.  
  
'What the bloody hell did you think you were doing?' Sirius shouted.  
  
Harry used his usual reaction for when he wasn't sure about someone nowadays, he tried to hide under the blankets.  
  
'Remus, what is he doing?? Why doesn't he talk?' Sirius sounded angry and panicked.  
  
'Sirius you're scaring him, calm down' came Remus' soothing tones.  
  
Remus went and sat by the bed. 'Harry love, come on sit up a little, Sirius is just worried about you that's all'.  
  
Harry for his part just broke down in noisy tears and ignored both voices, he didn't want to deal with new situations, and angry godfathers were new situations. He felt strong, safe arms pull back the blankets a little and lift him in to a sitting position, instinctively he buried into them.  
  
'Harry its ok, Sirius won't hurt you, calm down' Remus rubbed his back in circles until the sobs subsided. Sirius watched this display amazed.  
  
Harry tentatively turned his head to look at his godfather. Green eyes sparkling with apprehension locked on a tall, skinny form whose anger seemed to have dissipated somewhat.  
  
'Hello Harry' he said in a tone that gave nothing away.  
  
''Lo Sirius' he whispered back.  
  
'Harry what are you doing, why?' he asked in a soft voice that was full of hurt and incredulity, it left no doubt into what he meant.  
  
'I'm tired Sirius, too tired to fight anymore, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt anyone else.' He answered slowly.  
  
Sirius' face showed somewhat more understanding and softened further, shocking himself, he had fully intended to be angry and accuse Harry of being selfish, but seeing his tiny godson like this had been an eye opener, Harry looked pale and scared, but hurt too. Sirius also knew what it was like to be sick of fighting, and Harry had a lot to fight and was trying to make it all go away in the only way he knew how.  
  
Sirius took large strides towards the bed, Harry shrank back even further into Remus' arms, but Sirius ignored this and pulled his godson into his own arms, Harry put up the briefest of struggles but quickly relaxed and melted into his godfathers loving embrace.  
  
'Its Ok Harry, I still love you I didn't mean to scare you, well perhaps I did but I didn't understand before, I think you explained very well, I understand better now, perhaps more than most, I'll get you through this, we'll work it out another way. Please try and get better Harry, you're all I have.' Sirius was wiping away his own tears; Harry just clung to him wordlessly.  
  
They stayed like that for about ten minutes, but because of circumstances, Sirius could only stay a short time. Soon it was time to put appearance charms back on. Sirius promised Harry that he would come back when he could, but told him that regular visits were impossible because he might get caught. Harry understood, and waved to his godfather as he left. 


	17. Life Goes On

Life goes on  
  
The next few weeks passed by, Harry had many visits from his doctors, it sometimes made him tired to have so many of them, but eventually he found he couldn't help but open up to them. Kiesha and Bridget usually cheered him up lots, they talked about his friends and family and sometimes Voldemort and his parents, but they joked around a lot too. At first they tried to call Voldemort, you know who, but Harry got sick of that so eventually they were convinced, they still however referred to the monster as He whenever they could get away with it.  
  
Emma still came by all the time, they talked about the summer somewhat, especially they talked about food, and what it was like to be in the hospital, how he was dealing with it.  
  
Lainey also visited a few times a week, the woman was still somewhat of an enigma, but in a way she helped the most. With her Harry just talked and talked, about everything and nothing, about his friends, his theories on the universe, himself, the way in which time just ran away and he couldn't work out how much time had passed in a given period, and about all the ways he had considered killing himself this summer, and the pros and cons of each. Lainey just sat there quietly for the most part, and smoked, occasionally she asked for clarification, or wrote something down she answered his questions sometimes, or sometimes laughed at something he said which amused her. She was the least interactive of his doctors, but she was the one he trusted with anything.  
  
Harry was starting to recover from the lack of food, he had put on some weight, and looked a better colour and less near death, this relieved Remus and Albus no end, they saw what seemed like daily improvements in Harry's health and spirit.  
  
Eventually the day for change came, and Emma came in one morning out of the blue and checked her machines.  
  
'Harry, do you remember I told you on our first meeting that I wanted you to rest for a few weeks, then the hard work would start?' she asked in a would be curious voice.  
  
'Yes' he replied tentatively.  
  
'Well, do you feel rested, its been a few weeks and your health is much more stable.'  
  
'Oh, well sort of, but you can never rest to much right?' he asked hopefully.  
  
She laughed and began to take apart the machines around his bed, she did this much faster than he could, with the aid of a wand, eventually she said a similar string of Latin to what Albus had said and he felt the bonds lift off. He sat up and stretched every limb like a cat.  
  
She was smiling at him, 'do you feel up to getting out of bed?'  
  
In lou of an answer he swung his legs around and jumped down, which didn't turn out to be the best of ideas, as his legs hadn't supported his weight in a while. If ever he had needed to get out of bed he had been lifted. He fell on the floor in a heap, and after checking he wasn't hurt Emma laughed at him. He feigned a look of hurt as she offered out a hand to help him get up, but he ignored it and got up on his own slowly, this time his legs didn't collapse.  
  
Emma linked an arm through his and guided him slowly to a small room with soft seats and small table near the window. She pushed him gently towards one of the seats, and then sat down opposite him.  
  
Feedback For Reviews and Authors Notes  
  
Sorry again, been busy with uni, thank you all for reviewing, over the hols I will find time for individual responses I hope. Enjoy the next chapter , I have also written an interlude about reactions, I will post it soon.  
  
THANKS TO ALL WHO REVIEWED THIS CHAPTER - SORRY I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME TO WRITE INDIVIDUAL RESPONSES, BUT IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS JUST EMAIL ME AND I'LL DO MY BEST TO REPLY, SORRY THIS HAS BEEN SO LONG, I'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME! - Clairepotter  
  
Apologies to all who are following this story, it will be completed, but I have been working away in Scotland for a few months, nannying about 14 hrs a day!  
  
The Walrus - Thanks for the review, the first six- ish chapters are about getting ill and hiding, but after that the story focuses a lot on recovery, about the next 30 chapters. There are some relapses, but it's also about development between the main characters.  
  
Katriena - Update coming up very soon, thanks for the review.  
  
Maxx77 - Thanks for the review, I wanted to write something different, also the story is finished, I think, so no need to worry about continuing. I'm not putting it all up yet, as I want to see if I'm going in the right direction or if things need changing.  
  
Kateydidnt - Thank you so much for the review I really appreciate people taking the time to do so.  
  
Pablo5280 - Thanks for the review, yes its very sad, it gets worse before it gets better, and even then its kind of angsty.  
  
English Girl - hmm..Thanks I think, lol.  
  
Golden Bolt - Wow two reviews from one person, I think I love you, and I'm updating now, would have been sooner but my account got blocked, damn.  
  
Am Book Worm 247 - Cheers, I love reviews, warm happy feelings. Enjoy the next two chapters.  
  
Lady Silver Bolt - Wow thanks for the reviews, Dumbledore was on the train to check it for spells, jinxes etc before the students got on, encase good ole voldie decides to kill all the kids, lol. I guess he apparated there? You decide! Dumbledore removed the charm now, was that too dramatic? P.S. sorry I didn't write the consequences of Harry skipping potions, perhaps I might put in a humorous interlude at a later date, but don't hold me to that.  
  
Srialb - Please don't kill me, it will be quicker next time!  
  
Lanfear 1 - Your questions have been answered in the new chapters I hope, see end of Lady Silver Bolt's reply also.  
  
Paper doll - Thank you  
  
Psalatino - I will, don't worry.  
  
Kiwi_Chick_00 7- Thank you for your review.  
  
Ckat44 - Updated as requested, thanks for your support.  
  
Black Penther - I'm happy you found it too, thanks for the review, glad you like my story.  
  
Madden - Thank you, now you may sleep at night I hope.  
  
Embers of fate - Err, wow. So many reviews, and so many thanks in return. I'm glad you like the story, but chapters won't be any longer, that is because the story is already written as a whole and then chapter divided where I feel the right place was to stop. This means the chapters may be unbalanced in length, but I generally put two up at a time for you. The whole story will continue to be posted this way, as I want to make sure people like the direction I'm headed and I can change things if they don't. I do enjoy writing and rarely post work until its complete or else it doesn't get finished or I tell things too quickly (err the truth is a good example, blushes). As for correct handling of issues, to quote Professor Snape in a much later chapter 'I'm not completely blind in this particular area'.  
  
Ckat44 - Thanks for your input, I will put your idea to other reviewers and if most feel that way I will change the format for you.  
  
English Girl - Thanks for the review, its always nice to know people like what you write.  
  
Srialb - Yep I updated, thanks for your review. Hope you like the new instalment.  
  
Maxx77 - Thanks again, keep enjoying the story and reviewing please.  
  
Agnei Smith - Thanks Nicole, hope you like the rest of the story.  
  
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VOTE - Would you prefer your responses tagged on the end of chapters or do you like the current way, let me know in your reviews please.  
  
Also renewed thanks to Kateydidnt, Maxx77 and A.M. Bookworm 247, keep reading, I hope you like the rest of the story!  
  
If any of you guys want to read something slightly more cheerful read my other long story, Harry Potter, voldies worst nightmare. (Shameless Plug, lol).  
  
More reviews would be most welcomed, if you have any questions, ask in a review and answers will be posted here. Also any other information I feel the need to share.  
  
Luv ya all. Claire xxx 


	18. The Question

The Question  
  
'You know where we have to go now Harry, if you are ready, you know what I have to ask' she looked at him in question.  
  
Harry thought about it for a while, and he thought about everyone who had helped him, he was still somewhat bitter that they had left him alone when he needed them the most over the summer, but they had more than made up for it with their love so readily given as soon as they knew what was happening.  
  
He made a momentous decision, after all what she was really asking was more than about whether he was ready to eat or not, it was more about whether he wanted to live or not. He nodded and smiled at her. The smile on her face couldn't have been more genuine.  
  
That session Emma had brought chocolate pudding for him to eat, soft and not too filling, but nice enough that you actually want to eat it. After that she gave him more variety in what he ate, and let him choose, some days they spent half an hour negotiating on what was enough and how many potatoes should be with dinner. Emma trusted him now; the bonds had never been put back up, nor the machines. He got to take showers and use the bathroom alone, and generally spent much more time out of bed. Visitors took him to the day rooms where games like chess and gobstones were set up, there was even a muggle TV set. Occasionally Bridget or Kiesha took him there and played chess at the same time as talking. Emma usually took him someplace to eat, and Lainey always came to his room and sat in his chair to listen and smoke. Visits from the New York doctors got less and less in the month that followed, and Emma was there constantly and usually with more food, he swore that soon he would weigh more than he did in May, when he voiced this Emma just laughed and said he must have been underweight then too. 


	19. True Recovery

True Recovery  
  
Remus and Albus also came everyday now if they could, and Harry appreciated their company, he was getting bored, they brought schoolwork for him to catch up with, for the first time in a long time he actually wanted to do it. Sirius only came twice in this time, but Harry understood how much effort it cost him to get there so was just grateful for this. Both times Sirius had breathed a sigh and relief and smiled masses to see Harry looking much better.  
  
Remus came into his room one day, grinning from ear to ear, Harry almost laughed at the stupid expression.  
  
'What's with you today huh?' he asked curiously.  
  
'I have good news' he replied, if possible his grin got bigger.  
  
'Oh really, what?' Harry tilted his head to one side and looked up from his list of potion ingredients.  
  
'Well you have a meeting today, with your doctors, all of them.' He said.  
  
'Oh, wonderful all of them in the same room, just what I wanted to do this afternoon' he chuckled dryly and then yawned and stretched his legs.  
  
'I have to agree a group of gaggling women in the room wouldn't normally cause celebration, but they are going to decide if you can come back to school, so I wouldn't let them hear you say that.' He laughed at the wide- eyed expression that came over his pupils face.  
  
'Really, they letting me out?' he said in a tone like a child at Christmas.  
  
'Probably, if the meeting goes well, and you tell them the right answers.'  
  
'Oh, what are the right answers?' he asked.  
  
'Generally that yes you will eat properly, and no you won't try and kill yourself' he said dryly. Harry didn't mind and laughed too, stuffing a chocolate in his mouth. It had been testing the first day Sirius walked in with a packet of chocolate frogs for him, but after staring between them and Sirius for a few minutes he tore off the wrapping and ate them happily, after that his visitors regularly brought sweets or fruit. Lainey brought the fruit most often, she said it was healthier than sweets; he stuck his tongue out to that but ate the fruit nonetheless.  
  
'Remus, what will happen to me this summer?' he voiced a question that had been on his mind for a while.  
  
'What do you want to happen?' he asked gently.  
  
'I don't know, I just don't want everyone to leave me again, I know its dangerous with Voldie on the loose, but I can't go back there again, please?' he asked.  
  
'To be honest I don't know what arrangements have been made, but I suspect that you will not go back to your muggle relatives this summer, okay?'  
  
'Anywhere but there I guess, just so long as there's one friendly face.' He said wistfully. Remus made a note to ask Albus about this matter.  
  
There was silence for a while, and then Harry asked another question that almost made Remus fall of his seat.  
  
'Remus, why me, why am I special?' relaxed curiosity seeped into his tone.  
  
'Um, well, Harry I hate to do this to you because you trust me, but I can't tell you that, you have to ask Albus, I don't know much anyway, certainly nothing like the full story.'  
  
Harry looked away for a while, he hated the lies, he knew they wouldn't let him die, and the reason wasn't purely love, especially with Albus. Oh well, not Remus' fault, he turned back and smiled, and changed the subject.  
  
At the meeting the doctors did decide to let him go, and later that day Albus and Remus both came back. Albus gave him a portkey, and they landed back in the office that Harry remembered as an integral part of Hogwarts, it gave him a warm feeling, he was home at last. 


	20. Back Home, Sort Of

Back Home? Sort Of!  
  
'Well Harry, take seat and we can discuss arrangements and stories' Albus sat at his chair and Remus took the seat next to the one Harry sat in. Harry waited patiently.  
  
'Now then Harry, first off we have had to decide where you will stay from now on, because I am unsure as to whether sending you directly back to the tower is a good idea. Now Remus has a guest room in his quarters, which conveniently have a link up with my office, you may live there for a while, or you may sleep in the hospital wing?'  
  
'Well, that is such a hard choice that I'll have to sleep back in my dorm so I can figure it out for a few weeks.' He joked.  
  
'Nice try Harry, but no way kid' Remus replied for him.  
  
Harry looked at him and smiled, 'then if you don't mind I'll stay with you, but how longs a while?'  
  
'A while Harry is an indefinable amount of time, you can live in the dorms again when an old man decides that you are ready to do so' Albus' eyes twinkled. 'You see Harry, most patients are released into the care of their family, but I don't feel that you aunt and uncle would be able to give you enough support, so instead I have allowed for you to come back here, but I can not allow you to be in just the care of your friends at this stage.'  
  
'I feel like such a freak, how am I supposed to explain to everyone that I'm back from training but not living with them?' he asked.  
  
'Easy enough, we're going to tell everyone that the threat towards you has grown so you are living in the staff quarters for your safety.' Remus looked pleased to know that answer.  
  
'I am so sick of everyone making my decisions for me, can we go to your rooms now Remus, I'm tired.' He looked away.  
  
'No, stay a while, I want to talk some more Harry' Albus answered for his professor.  
  
'We need to talk about your education, other than a few bits and pieces you have missed a terms work, now I see two ways around this, the first is intense make up sessions with your professors every night, and the second is repeating the second half of your fourth year, I will leave this up to you to decide.'  
  
'Well, I suppose I should do the make up and work and get on with it, I really don't want to graduate a year behind my class, and it will look really suspicious if I go away for extra training and come back and am put into a lower group.' He mused.  
  
'Very well, but don't push yourself to hard, you're still not well, if this gets to much then you must tell us.' Albus smiled. 'Now, on to other matters, your doctors want you to go back and see them at least twice a week, once a week for lunch with Emma, and once a week for a chat with Lainey. Also you are to report to the hospital wing here at least once a week, so we can make sure your not getting sick again. For the next week I don't want you in classes either, but I will make sure that the professors come by as often as possible so you can spend the week catching up to the others.' The tone brokered no argument and Harry looked away, already he was feeling more and more depressed and he knew it. He looked up hesitantly at Remus, his doctors had all told him that they were always available.  
  
'Remus I want to see Bridget, can I?' he asked in hushed tones.  
  
'Of course, you can see your doctors whenever you need too. You might have to floo to New York though, and you might have to wait if she's busy.' He added. He turned away to fire call Bridget, who said that they could go through. Harry wasn't allowed to floo alone.  
  
Harry talked to Bridget all afternoon, and the sun was setting when she brought him back to Albus' office, only the headmaster was there, he looked weary.  
  
'Harry, your back, come and sit down, thank you Bridget, is everything ok?' he asked looking up from his paperwork and rubbing the bridge of his nose.  
  
'Sure Albus it will be, just keep an eye on him I guess' she said pushing Harry towards the desk, and leaving with a smile and a wave.  
  
'So Harry, do you feel better now?' he asked.  
  
'A little' Harry sighed deeply and sank further into the chair.  
  
'Something tells me you weren't happy about my earlier arrangements?' he looked at Harry questioningly.  
  
'I'm not, but I can't change things now, if I could go back in time and not stick a butchers knife in my wrist I would, it might have saved a whole lot of trouble but at the time it seemed like the only way out. I just thought that when I got out of hospital I could have my own life back, childish I suppose but nonetheless I am disappointed. Right now I hate my life and it's a whole lot worse because I know its all my own fault. I just want to live again, not have eyes watching me at every meal, or have people be reluctant to let me alone for a few minutes. I understand why its this way but I hate it.' He explained.  
  
'Harry if I offered you the chance to get out of this all now, just end it and be done would you take it or are your goals worth fighting for, be honest?' he asked gently.  
  
Harry thought for a while, 'No its worth it, I just feel horribly depressed, but I came this far, its worth going the last bit. You know at the end of last year I wished that the avada kedavra spell had hit, and when I was at kings cross I just prayed that someone would kill me before I got back to privet drive, no one did I was so upset, and I spent the whole summer dreaming up ways to kill myself, fantasising of my own demise, that's sick isn't it. I really wanted to die, that first night I missed the feast, I went up to the astronomy tower, and I ran my fingers along the edge and closed my eyes, I so nearly jumped then, but I wanted to say goodbye to everyone, and write a will and explanation. I was so upset when you and Remus found out, in fact I tried to avoid you almost too hard, you probably noticed.' He rolled his eyes. 'I really thought that I would get away with it, you know that the concealing charms would work for a few days until I jumped off the tower, your probably gonna stick allsorts of charms up there now to stop anyone doing that now huh?' he laughed a small tired laugh.  
  
'I hate to disappoint you but if you had jumped you would have gradually slowed down until you landed on your feet on the ground, perfectly unscathed, expect for a petrification spell, and then I would have had you put in hospital anyway.' He smiled generously.  
  
'I swear you think of everything' Harry laughed.  
  
'Not quiet everything, but I once knew someone who did jump off the top tower, luckily Fawkes was out flying and caught him, to this day he calls him a damn bird, just as expect you will always call concealing charms that are too easily broken. In reality you both thank the stars each night that some deity deigned to intervene with your plans.' He replied quietly.  
  
Harry nodded and thought for a while. 


	21. Getting Better

Back Home? 

'Well Harry, take seat and we can discuss arrangements and stories' Albus sat at his chair and Remus took the seat next to the one Harry sat in. Harry waited patiently.

'Now then Harry, first off we have had to decide where you will stay from now on, because I am unsure as to whether sending you directly back to the tower is a good idea. Now Remus has a guest room in his quarters, which conveniently have a link up with my office, you may live there for a while, or you may sleep in the hospital wing?'

'Well, that is such a hard choice that I'll have to sleep back in my dorm so I can figure it out for a few weeks.' He joked.

'Nice try Harry, but no way kid' Remus replied for him.

Harry looked at him and smiled, 'then if you don't mind I'll stay with you, but how longs a while?'

'A while Harry is an indefinable amount of time, you can live in the dorms again when an old man decides that you are ready to do so' Albus' eyes twinkled. 'You see Harry, most patients are released into the care of their family, but I don't feel that you aunt and uncle would be able to give you enough support, so instead I have allowed for you to come back here, but I can not allow you to be in just the care of your friends at this stage.'

'I feel like such a freak, how am I supposed to explain to everyone that I'm back from training but not living with them?' he asked.

'Easy enough, we're going to tell everyone that the threat towards you has grown so you are living in the staff quarters for your safety.' Remus looked pleased to know that answer.

'I am so sick of everyone making my decisions for me, can we go to your rooms now Remus, I'm tired.' He looked away.

'No, stay a while, I want to talk some more Harry' Albus answered for his professor.

'We need to talk about your education, other than a few bits and pieces you have missed a terms work, now I see two ways around this, the first is intense make up sessions with your professors every night, and the second is repeating the second half of your fourth year, I will leave this up to you to decide.'

'Well, I suppose I should do the make up and work and get on with it, I really don't want to graduate a year behind my class, and it will look really suspicious if I go away for extra training and come back and am put into a lower group.' He mused.

'Very well, but don't push yourself to hard, you're still not well, if this gets to much then you must tell us.' Albus smiled. 'Now, on to other matters, your doctors want you to go back and see them at least twice a week, once a week for lunch with Emma, and once a week for a chat with Lainey. Also you are to report to the hospital wing here at least once a week, so we can make sure your not getting sick again. For the next week I don't want you in classes either, but I will make sure that the professors come by as often as possible so you can spend the week catching up to the others.' The tone brokered no argument and Harry looked away, already he was feeling more and more depressed and he knew it. He looked up hesitantly at Remus, his doctors had all told him that they were always available.

'Remus I want to see Bridget, can I?' he asked in hushed tones.

'Of course, you can see your doctors whenever you need too. You might have to floo to New York though, and you might have to wait if she's busy.' He added. He turned away to fire call Bridget, who said that they could go through. Harry wasn't allowed to floo alone.

Harry talked to Bridget all afternoon, and the sun was setting when she brought him back to Albus' office, only the headmaster was there, he looked weary.

'Harry, your back, come and sit down, thank you Bridget, is everything ok?' he asked looking up from his paperwork and rubbing the bridge of his nose.

'Sure Albus it will be, just keep an eye on him I guess' she said pushing Harry towards the desk, and leaving with a smile and a wave.

'So Harry, do you feel better now?' he asked.

'A little' Harry sighed deeply and sank further into the chair.

'Something tells me you weren't happy about my earlier arrangements?' he looked at Harry questioningly.

'I'm not, but I can't change things now, if I could go back in time and not stick a butchers knife in my wrist I would, it might have saved a whole lot of trouble but at the time it seemed like the only way out. I just thought that when I got out of hospital I could have my own life back, childish I suppose but nonetheless I am disappointed. Right now I hate my life and it's a whole lot worse because I know its all my own fault. I just want to live again, not have eyes watching me at every meal, or have people be reluctant to let me alone for a few minutes. I understand why its this way but I hate it.' He explained.

'Harry if I offered you the chance to get out of this all now, just end it and be done would you take it or are your goals worth fighting for, be honest?' he asked gently.

Harry thought for a while, 'No its worth it, I just feel horribly depressed, but I came this far, its worth going the last bit. You know at the end of last year I wished that the avada kedavra spell had hit, and when I was at kings cross I just prayed that someone would kill me before I got back to privet drive, no one did I was so upset, and I spent the whole summer dreaming up ways to kill myself, fantasising of my own demise, that's sick isn't it. I really wanted to die, that first night I missed the feast, I went up to the astronomy tower, and I ran my fingers along the edge and closed my eyes, I so nearly jumped then, but I wanted to say goodbye to everyone, and write a will and explanation. I was so upset when you and Remus found out, in fact I tried to avoid you almost too hard, you probably noticed.' He rolled his eyes. 'I really thought that I would get away with it, you know that the concealing charms would work for a few days until I jumped off the tower, your probably gonna stick allsorts of charms up there now to stop anyone doing that now huh?' he laughed a small tired laugh.

'I hate to disappoint you but if you had jumped you would have gradually slowed down until you landed on your feet on the ground, perfectly unscathed, expect for a petrification spell, and then I would have had you put in hospital anyway.' He smiled generously.

'I swear you think of everything' Harry laughed.

'Not quiet everything, but I once knew someone who did jump off the top tower, luckily Fawkes was out flying and caught him, to this day he calls him a damn bird, just as expect you will always call concealing charms that are too easily broken. In reality you both thank the stars each night that some deity deigned to intervene with your plans.' He replied quietly.

Harry nodded and thought for a while.

What Harry needs to know 

'Headmaster I want to know why voldemort wants me dead, and why I was a big enough threat to him that he wanted me dead before I could talk.'

'Maybe he had a crystal ball and saw that you would stop his evils plans before you even graduated?' the headmaster laughed.

Harry however did not, 'I know that you hide something, I heard you telling Kiesha once that under no circumstances must I die, don't worry I always knew that my wonderful personality wasn't the only reason you wanted to help, or you looked after me. There is something, something big enough for you to make me live in a cupboard, then be locked up all summer. I want know about myself, don't I have that right, to know why I'm not allowed to die, but I must live in any circumstances you see fit?' he asked incredulously.

'Yes, you do have the right to know Harry, but still I don't tell you, had you been well this year, I would have told you, you are old enough to know what I have to tell you, also you are old enough to see the consequences, but you are not strong enough. What I have to tell you may send you running back to that knife, I'm sorry but not today.' He answered.

'Right, its always something isn't it, always another reason, excuse, you never even told me about my parents, all I know is that my dad played quidditch and looked like me, and my mum had red hair and my eyes and gave her life so I could screw up mine, I just want to know damn it, and you won't tell me and neither will anyone else, even Remus and Sirius hide things at your command no doubt, why is that you think you have control over my life. Why the hell do you send me back to a hellhole every summer when people who care about me would have me stay with them? I want to understand, but you don't make it easy. The only time you show you care is when I try and kill myself, and I can't deal with that anymore, I need stability, I need to know who I am, and what the hell it is you expect me to do to get rid of voldemort, because I know you expect me to do that its written in every face I see, why is that such a hard question?' he asked on the verge of tears yet again.

'Isn't it enough for today that you never have to go back to your relatives, and that I do care for you, and not just for what you could do? Harry I love you and I'm not about to tear apart something which is tentatively fragile by getting into this right now. I also want you to believe that I wish I didn't have to expect you to kill Voldemort but I see no other ways throwing themselves at me.'

'No its not enough, sue me I'm selfish, but if you won't tell me there's little I can do. However if I have to face down Voldemort unprepared one more time, or you haven't told me by the end of the year then that's it, were through I will officially renounce my support for you and that idiot Fudge. I've been living the way you wanted but no more I've had enough. Don't worry I'll never join voldemort but I won't actively fight him either. And for the record I'm not throwing myself at your service.' He said bitterly.

'The truth by the end of the year and safety until then? That's your price?' Albus asked in a professional manner, Harry was slightly shocked but nodded anyway.

'Very well we have a deal Mr. Potter, but you do realise if you shake my hand we enter into a magically binding contract, if I keep you safe for the next few months and tell you what I know, then your in my service until the dark lord falls? You do as I ask when it comes to Voldemort, training, associations, and place of residence. Do you know how long you might sign your life away for?' The old man asked, not smiling.

Harry thought for a while, and then smiled. 'Very well, I was unaware of that fact, in that case I'll settle for a tentative agreement and forgo shaking your hand, I'll help you, but lord knows no one will own me. I had enough of people controlling me for the last few months to last forever.'

Albus nodded for a while, 'very well that is all I can expect, know that in the future decisions will not be made in this manner, I don't usually take kindly to blackmail, but this has been a difficult time for you and this is a sensitive issue, so I will let the matter rest'.

'Sir?' Harry asked in a small voice.

'Yes Harry?'

'Can I stay with you a while, I don't want to be on my own, I feel so horrible inside and I don't know what I might do, I know I won't kill myself, but I might hurt myself, I can't swear I wouldn't, please?' Harry knew what happened last time he felt his mood blackening, he had been left alone, and the consequences still affected him.

'Certainly, I will accompany you down to your new room and help you unpack your things, then perhaps we could play chess, or practice your magic, you have to build up your magical reserves again, speaking of which I have your wand, but given your current mood you can have it in the morning.' He smiled at Harry knowingly.

Harry said nothing in return to this, but pouted half-heartedly all the same, he had waited months he could wait until morning, and if the headmaster decided he wanted to cast spells tonight perhaps he would get it anyway.

'Lets go then, before I change my mind and throw myself of the top tower to see if your charms work'. He joked.

'You dare and I'll hex you so hard you won't walk for a week.' Albus' face showed mock seriousness.

Harry laughed loudly, he already felt better.

They went through a direct passage way that linked to Remus' rooms, and Harry's stuff was already there, the first thing he did was change out hospital issue robes, which were coloured depending on your department, his had been bright red. They wanted to make you noticeable encase you tried to run.

As it turned out they did play chess, then went through some books on charms and Albus gave Harry some dinner in the rooms, along with the reminder that he would be eating dinner in the rooms with Remus from now on, basically so they could ensure he had at least one meal a day. Other meals he could eat with his friends, and the week after next he could go to class. Harry decided that he should sleep at about 9pm, as he was tired and unused to sleeping late. In fact if he could he had been taking catnaps through the day too. Albus stayed in the sitting area until Remus returned from lesson preparations at 9.30 pm and told Remus of the afternoons trials and tribulations.

Old Friends 

The next day Remus woke Harry at 7.30am, he groaned and tried to go back to sleep, but it didn't work well and Remus eventually dragged him to breakfast. The hardest thing so far, face the public when everyone was staring. The headmaster then stood and told everyone he was back and not to question him over his whereabouts or training.

Remus had told Ron and Hermione of Harry's return at dinner last night, they had been overjoyed but apprehensive, it was now partially their responsibility to look after their wayward friend. At first glimpse he looked too thin, but they had never seen him how he had been after the charms came down, but looking more closely he looked ok, almost healthy.

Hermione got up and hugged Harry in front of the whole school; Harry turned pink, but was pleased too Hermione had got prettier in his absence. He saw her tearing up a little and wiped them away before anyone else noticed, it wouldn't do for anyone to be suspicious as to Harry's real whereabouts. 'I missed you Harry, and don't you ever do that again, you hear?' she asked mock sternly.

'Yes maam, never again, I understand' he mock saluted and she giggled, it broke the ice.

Next it was Ron's turn, he patted Harry on the back and whispered something in Harry's ear, and from this Harry surmised things were ok and smiled back. The professors at the head table saw this and breathed a sigh of relief, Harry Potter had completed the trio, and Hogwarts could go back to normal. All the teachers had noticed the other two becoming more sullen, and their work less than perfect in his absence. Harry had missed his friends and Albus knew that better than anyone, they completed each other, a fine balance of qualities between them and if his predictions were right they would only get closer. Especially Harry and Hermione.

After the meal Harry was unsure of what to do, but this was quickly resolved when Remus came over and led him away back to the staff quarters. Harry waved goodbye to all his friends and yielded to Remus' guidance.

'What are we doing Remus?' he asked curiously.

'Good question, I have a surprise for you, come on' he started to walk faster, Harry was struggling to keep up, thanks to recent illnesses and spending to much time in bed he was a little weak.

'Oh, sorry Harry I forgot' Remus said and slowed a little, Harry hated himself for being this slow, and just hung his head. Remus ruffled his hair but kept on walking. They got to a portrait of Denzal Doubleface, a famous wizard who charmed his head to show his face both sides, a great feat, if not a little pointless.

'Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs.' Remus stated, Denzal bowed, which was weird, what with his face, and admitted them. Harry was curious as to what was in the room after the unusual but familiar password.

The door opened and Remus pulled Harry through excitedly.

As soon as the portrait closed a large black dog, or blur flung itself at Harry knocking him back against the wall, and licking his face. He giggled and pushed the dog back half-heartedly whilst wiping his face on his sleeve.

When Harry turned back to the dog, a black haired, blue-eyed human, otherwise known as Sirius Black, had replaced it.

Sirius pulled Harry in to a hug wordlessly, then held Harry at arms length and looked him up and down, before nodding. 'Better, definitely better, less bones sticking out' he said as if he were examining a piece of furniture or art – stroking his chin with his hand.

Harry started to feel self-conscious and the look must have shown, because Remus hit Sirius round the head lightly. Sirius laughed and Harry knew he had been joking and started to loosen up a little too. At this he was pulled into another bone crushing hug and when he thought he was about to die from lack of oxygen he was let go again.

'Its good to see you again, I've been worried as always, and you really are looking better again. I brought you some birthday gifts as I couldn't give you any over the summer, and they didn't like anything remotely interesting at that hospital'. Sirius watched Harry carefully for a reaction but was rewarded only with a smile.

Harry opened the three gifts that lay on the table. One was a necklace with a snake pendant, Sirius was explaining that it had a major protection spell over it that would alert you to danger and block some curses and hexes. Sirius came over and put the pendant on, Harry felt something strange when the catch clicked shut, and he smiled up at his godfather. 'Sirius?'

'Yes Harry' Sirius smiled knowingly.

'I can't take this off now can I?' he accused, but not meanly.

Sirius laughed at the look of mock anger on Harry's face. 'How'd you guess?'

'Just a feeling I got as the catch snapped. Harry took a good look at the pendant still smiling, and went to tell Sirius 'thank you', but all that came out was hisses, 'Oh Shit' he said again in hisses.

He looked away from the snake and closed his eyes telling himself to focus. He opened his eyes and Sirius and Remus were staring at him opened mouthed, that's right, they didn't know, how could they.

'Erm, Harry, is there something I should know about?' Sirius asked seriously.

'Yes, I'm a parselmouth, a pretty little gift from Voldemort, do you like it, I suppose you could call it a Halloween gift?' he said lightly.

'Oh' said Sirius still looking bemused.

'God damn it you two, snap out of it right now, no big deal, its useful, I like snakes, and no, I am not evil.' He yelled loudly.

'We know, sorry Harry, just a bit of a shock, the only other I know is Voldemort.' Remus said calmly, punching Sirius lightly. Sirius pulled himself together and nodded along with Remus' statement.

'S'ok I'm used to people staring at me for one reason or another' he sighed and tugged the little pendant on his neck, and hissed a few soft words no one else understood then leaned over to open the next present, a potions book.

Harry stared at the book, then back at his godfather, and though about seeing if he was running a fever, but smiled politely nonetheless. Sirius and Remus burst out laughing.

'I know you don't like potions, but you can make these on your own, and there's some useful ones, open it and see.' Sirius suggested.

Harry slowly opened the book, inside were a number of useful potions, most of which didn't need to have ingredients he'd need to steal, or ahem borrow from Snape. The first chapter had various different sleeping potions, the next had potions that worked like cheering charms but more subtle. The other chapters had no particular subject but toward the back were potions that would change hair colour, cause extra limbs to grow, etc. On one page there was an appetite enhancer and suppressor. Sirius gave Harry a warning glance as he perused the page but said nothing. Harry thanked him properly for the gift. He was grateful.

The third gift has chocolate frog in it, Harry squealed like a small child and opened the packet throwing one each to Sirius and Remus before ripping open one for himself and eating it happily. Chocolate was his favourite food. His godfather laughed, thankful that Harry was happy, but mindful that his moods still changed faster than lightening.

A New Life and Snape? 

It had been decided by the powers that be, otherwise known as Albus Dumbledore, that Sirius could stay at Hogwarts for the next few weeks at least, staying in the hidden quarters nearly all the time, but it was ok because he had a small kitchen, a house elf, a small sitting area, a bedroom and a nice bathroom. To top it off he had Harry about half his waking hours. They had bonding time, but on top of that Sirius started to help Harry catch up with his schoolwork, as Sirius was good at nearly everything and always available, it was a good plan.

The only thing Sirius couldn't do was potions and divination. Nobody cared if Harry missed divination, but he had to visit with Snape twice a week, and choose a two month long assignment, the class were all doing polyjuice but Snape was being super nice and said that Harry could pick his own project out of an advanced potion book he gave him. Snape seemed a whole lot nicer all round and Harry wondered why, he guessed Snape had been ordered to be nice because of his suicide attempt.

Harry chose Veritaserum to make, it would take a month and a half to brew properly, and Snape got him the ingredients and put them in Harry's store so he could start preparing them tomorrow.

After this had happened Harry got very confused because Snape conjured comfy chairs and asked Harry to sit in one of them.

'Mr. Potter, it has been brought to my attention that you made an attempt on your life during your time away from us?' he started in a soft but not dangerous voice.

'And?' he asked coldly turning his head away from Snape.

'Don't be insolent Harry, I was merely offering my support, and apologising for my past treatment of you, I thought that you were spoilt with an over inflated ego, however it seems that I was wrong, and I will admit it, so I am sorry.' He said primly.

Snape! Apologising?

'Oh, I, err, thank you?' he offered weakly.

A dry chuckle escaped the other mans lips, 'your quite welcome, and I meant it about support too, I'm not completely blind in this particular area and I understand some of what you are going through, sometimes with a suicide attempt, trying to get your life back together and win back trust is harder than recovery or the actual attempt.'

Harry bit his lip hard and looked down, he needed to go now back to the loving arms of Sirius so he could forget that eyes followed him everywhere and that he was never truly allowed alone.

'Thanks, I need to get back now, goodbye' he stood up trying to paste on a smile.

'Tut tut Harry, always running away from your problems, and that fake smile is no better than a concealing charm, stop hiding, it hurts so say so, don't always plaster on a smile and make an excuse to leave.' He sat back relaxed looking up at the young gryfinndor.

'I don't always, not now anyway, not with Remus or Sirius, and sometimes not with the headmaster, but your different, you've been nice to me for 1 night and horrid for 4 years, I don't blame you but I can't just open up and trust you, I'm sorry.' He said quietly.

'I understand, you may go, but if you need to talk about things the others don't get, like why they lock the doors on a night so you can't get out, or why you can't go to class yet, stop by, ok?' he said with a smile.

'Thank you sir' Harry said and then left, that had been a very interesting meeting.

A Night Out 

When he returned to his and Remus' quarters Remus told him it was time for bed, Harry had some trouble getting used to having an imposed bed time, after all they usually stayed up until they were tired in the tower and in hospital he slept when he wanted or could. The only reason he was sent to bed mostly was because they didn't want him to over stress himself, and also because everyone was busy after 9pm, marking and planning, they didn't have so much time to watch him.

Harry decided when he had got into his room that he would not be able to sleep, and took out his new potions book, and read for a while. He wanted to try one out, a draught of the living dead, it was a quick potion to make, and it had simple ingredients, the only problem was it was complex in its brewing. It would make the drinker sleep for three days. To Harry who was often tired it seemed like a good idea.

He got into the large soft bed, and curled around his pillow, watching his pendant and hissing in parseltongue, something he found soothing. He really wished it were a real snake that could hiss softly to him too. He got lonely on these long nights without his dorm mates and with the doors to the quarters firmly shut and locked.

That was when he decided that he had had enough. He got up quietly to look through his trunk, he picked out James Potter's old cloak, he would grab the map but he didn't have it back from Dumbledore yet. He also picked up his wand.

He went over to his door covered in the cloak, and opened it slowly and gently trying not to attract attention from Remus who was in the other room. He pushed it back shut quietly once safely in the main hall of the quarters.

He tiptoed over to the main and locked door. He tried the common first year unlocking spells, none of which worked, he tried an advanced locking spell, that didn't work either, so he decided to be a muggle for a few minutes, he put away his wand and went back to his trunk, and dug around until he found a muggle hair grip that Fred had given him after the summer before 2nd year.

He went back to the main door, and began to pick the lock, it worked. Considering Remus used to be a marauder Harry thought he should no the first thing to do would be to put an anti picking charm over the door, but still wizards could be short sighted. A fact for which Harry was relieved, he was free, no one was watching him and he wasn't locked in.

He wandered along the hallways for hours, paying no particular attention to where he was going, then found himself near a door to the grounds and went outside. This really made him feel alive; being outside and alone was unheard of completely at the moment, especially in the middle of the night.

He walked slowly around, breathing in the cold air, and found a firm piece of ground to sit on my the lake, and spent the hours until daybreak staring at the water, he had seen the others looking for him around various places, and froze completely when Padfoot had come out, Harry was sure he would smell him, but he didn't come Harry's direction, so Harry let out a huge breath of relief. By daybreak none of the staff were anywhere to be seen, and Harry felt a little guilty about disturbing their sleep. He pulled the cloak tighter; he was cold from a night outside in winter. Thankfully it wasn't that cold, and there was no ice on the ground. He got up and stretched his stiff limbs, and went to go back to the castle. Inside the castle he decided to go straight to the headmasters office, as they knew he had been out anyway.

However on the way he heard a familiar voice in the next corridor, he silently looked around, Remus was stood there talking to Kiesha his doctor, looking most worried. He decided to give himself up now, and walked over, pulling off the cloak on the way, clearing his throat.

Remus and Kiesha's head whipped around, and Remus looked shocked, relieved and angry all at once, Kiesha looked vaguely amused at her young patient, but also slightly relieved.

'Harry, where the hell have you been, do you have any idea how worried we were?' he yelled.

'Erm well, I err needed sometime alone and I couldn't sleep, but y'all insist on sending to me to bed anyway, so I walked around then sat by the lake, no need for you to worry'. He stated nervously but growing in confidence with each word.

'I have every reason to worry, when we hadn't found you by morning we called your doctors, but your back now, and grounded I might add.' He said sternly.

Harry was annoyed now, why wouldn't they just trust him a little. 'Fine, I was under the impression I was grounded before, so it won't make any difference.' He said coolly.

'Hey Harry, you wanna come to New York for a chat' Kiesha asked casually it wasn't really a question.

'Do I have a choice?' he asked bitterly.

'No, not really, come on I won't bite, but your friend here might.' Kiesha joked, she knew about his condition. This made Harry and Remus both laugh.

'Ok, you win, come on then' he sighed walking toward the headmasters office so they could floo to the doctors office.

'Come on in and sit down' she invited when they landed.

Harry did as she said, settling into a soft chair by the door. She perched against her desk looking at him thoughtfully.

'Am I in trouble?' he asked softly.

'Trouble? No not really, not with me anyhow, you want to tell me about running away last night?' she asked casually.

'I just wanted to go out, I didn't run away, you don't understand what its like there' he shook his head.

'So tell me, and then I might' she inclined her head and smiled a little.

'Its ok most of the time in the day, I know there always around, but it doesn't matter, but at night, there isn't anyone to follow me around so they send me to bed, Kiesha I'm 15, and I don't sleep often anyhow, so I feel trapped and alone, and I hate it. Last night I decided to stand on my own two feet and go out on my own for the first time since last June. So I got through the locks on our chambers door, and I had my dad's old invisibility cloak too, so I walked around for a while, and then I saw doors to outside, and it just called to me, and I felt so alive. Now I get to come here and tell you all about it just because I left my bedroom in the night, but I'm fine now, I didn't hurt myself, or try to kill myself, why won't they just trust me? I can't take this much longer I'll explode.' He finished near tears again.

Kiesha hugged him a little, then they talked some more, and Harry went back to Hogwart's to talk with his 'guardians'.

What Remus Wants to Know 

Remus looked tired, Sirius was half way between hugging and hitting him and Albus just sighed and smiled, ruffling his hair a little.

Remus took him back to the rooms, and on the way started asking questions, one of these was, 'How'd you get out, I've always been proud of my locking charms?'

'If you don't know I'm not telling, but remember I am James Potter's son, of the famous marauders.' He laughed and so did Remus.

'True, I'll have to think up new ones I suppose' he sighed scratching his chin in thought.

Harry burst out laughing in hysterics; there was nothing wrong with the silly complex charm, just the fact that he forgot to add anti lock picking charms too.

'What's funny?' Remus asked looking mock hurt.

Harry smiled innocently, 'Nothing' he trilled.

'What, tell me now?' he asked impatiently like a small child.

'What's it worth?' Harry pushed.

'Err, a chocolate frog?' Remus answered.

'Not good enough, I want to see Ron and Hermione in the tower tonight at nine instead of being sent to bed' he bargained.

'Fine, but you have to be back by 10.30 exactly' he sighed exasperatedly.

Harry laughed in joy; he was getting better at the blackmail stuff.

'So now tell me?' Remus asked again.

'Ok, your charm was wonderful, I couldn't break through it if I sat there a whole year' he answered slowly.

'So, how'd you get out?' Remus was getting jumpy about his charms work now.

'well like I told you I'm the son of a marauder and a close friend of the Weasley twins.' He answered.

'And, so, what's that got to do with it?'

'Your thick sometimes, you forgot that I was raised a muggle, and can pick locks, so your charms was wasted without a very basic picking charm.' He laughed.

'Shit, your right I am thick, I did forget that one' he flushed in embarrassment.

'Yep, you did, but really you don't need to be so careful locking the door, I won't kill myself in the night, I have plenty of opportunity anyway, after all I have a wand, if I wanted to be dead, I would be, or I'd be back in hospital, just trust me a little?'

Remus shook his head in thought, 'I wish I could, but when those concealment charms came down, you have no idea how horrific it was Harry you went from healthy looking to looking like death, you were a bluish colour, I thought you would die, its hard to get over that, especially if you care about that person.'

'But, you check once a week for charms, and I can hardly get that bad over one night, that stylish look took months to achieve I'll have you know!' he joked.

'I know' Remus sighed and stroked Harry's head lightly, 'and I'm sorry, but you have to be patient a while longer, its Albus' decision too, and he saw you looking like death with a knife in your arm, it takes us a while too'

Harry was silent for a while, then he heard and old echo in his head, _'but if you need to talk about things the others don't get like why they lock the doors on a night so you can't get out, or why you can't go to classes yet, stop by, ok?_' Snape had offered perhaps, just maybe he could go.

A Visit to Snape and a Long Sleep 

The next day Harry had made up his mind, he was going to see his potions professor.

'Remus, can I go and Professor Snape about my Veritaserum, I'm confused on one of the steps?' he asked not wanting to discuss the real reason.

'Sure, you think you can find your own way or would you like a guide?' he joked kindly.

'I think I can go on my own, I might be a while, the potions complicated' he added just in case.

'Ok, I think Sirius wants to go over some practical defence later, so don't get too tired' Remus said starting to move away.

'Oh, but I wanted to do something else later' Harry pouted.

'What?'

'Not telling, nothing dangerous, I just need about an hour when I come back, ok?'

'Sure I guess, its not like Sirius has much else to do.' He sighed as Harry left.

Harry did talk to Snape for a while, it didn't change the situation, but it helped to get everything of his chest and clear things up.

What he wanted to do in the afternoon was make the sleeping potion he had read about. So he took the ingredients from his store after speaking with the potions master and went back to his room hiding them until he was at his desk. He put a locking spell on the door, as well as a warning if anyone was coming. Fortunately Remus was out at a class.

He chopped and stirred for about 45 minutes, finally the potion looked right, a black tar like consistency. He put it into three vials. The first to drink, and the other two he transfigured into old letters from Ron, and hid in his draw. He changed into pyjamas and got into bed clutching the vial. He remembered to take the charms off the door, then cast a quick look around before swallowing. Three seconds later he was asleep. Nothing could wake him for three days and nights, and he would not dream.

When Remus got back, he was surprised to see Harry asleep, as he was meant to go to Sirius, but supposed he was tired from wandering last night so left it. A few hours later he decided Harry should get up and eat dinner, so he might sleep again that night. Except when he went to wake Harry he wouldn't wake. Remus panicked a little, and it got worse when he found the vial, his first thought was poison, so he took it to Snape to analyse the dregs that remained.

Snape was worried too when Remus came in, the boy had been ok a few minutes a go, surely he wouldn't of been planning this! However after about five minutes of testing the potion he nearly laughed in relief, and walked back over to Remus smiling.

'Its ok he won't die, nor was he trying to, Harry was obviously quite tired though, this is draft of the living dead, he won't wake for three days no matter what you do, perfectly made too, thankfully, I'm quite impressed he's normally useless in potions class.' He shook his head and handed Remus the vial.

Remus let out a sigh of pure relief.

'By the way, all recipes for that potion make far more than that, and there is probably either a caldron full somewhere, or at least two more vials, if you don't want him asleep for this long again, I'd find them.' He smirked at the werewolf.

'I'll check his things, but I doubt he left them lying about.' He sighed and walked out, thanking Snape, and going to tell Albus and Padfoot his latest news.

Hidden Vials and Reactions 

Harry blearily opened one eye, had it worked? He felt like it had, and there were four people stood over his bed, the best option might be pretending to sleep still.

'Harry, I know you just woke up' Albus giggled almost.

Harry rubbed his eyes a few times and sat up slowly, and looked at the faces in front of him which held an expression between amusement and anger, all except Snape, who had a pronounced look of amusement and respect on his face.

'Congratulations Mr. Potter, on the finest drafts of potion I have seen you make, ever, care to tell me where the other two or three are?' Snape asked.

'Others professor?' he asked in a would be innocent voice.

'Yes, I know the volume the recipe you used makes, and forgive me, but you are not skilled enough to modify it, so there should be at least two more vials, where are they?' he asked silkily.

'You mean to tell me you haven't found them yet?' he smiled broadly, 'Excellent at least I know how to hide things well' he laughed and then straightened up at the look on his godfathers face.

'Did you miss me Padfoot, forgive me was tired, I hadn't slept through the night in ages.' He added sincerely.

'Mmmm, Ok but you have to tell us where the other vials are, and next time make the regular potion and sleep for four hours Ok?' he asked.

'Sure, I won't take that one anymore, professor Snape can have the rest if he can find it' he teased.

'No, you have to show us where they are, we have been looking for them for three days!' Remus added, smiling.

'Ok' Harry gave in with a large smile across his face as he walked over to the top draw of his dresser and took out the two letters and placed them on the desk top. He turned and smirked at the unbelievable faces behind him, before turning back and waving his wand lazily over the parchment, to vials of potion appeared.

Snape went over to them and examined them closely, then smiled and pocketed them.

'Thank you Mr. Potter, most useful, I must say I await the result of your veritaserum experiment with anticipation. If you can brew potions of this quality then you have lost many unnecessary house points over the years.' He turned and strode out in typical Snape style.

'Wow Harry, I think you just got a compliment from Snape, I never saw that happen to a non slytherin before' Sirius gaped openly.

Harry laughed; 'He's not so bad, he was helping me a bit, do you remember I asked to see him, and told you it was about a potion?' he looked at Remus.

Remus nodded.

'I lied, I went to talk to him about the way you guys kept following me around, he offered one night he was helping me pick a potion, and I decided to go see what he had to say, and really you all misjudge him'. He said seriously.

The twinkle in Albus' eye went mad, and he smiled deeply, the other two just frowned and then nodded, looking at each other for reassurance that Harry was mentally ok and the potion hadn't addled his brains. Harry just shook his head in amusement at the pair and smiled back at Albus.

The Ultimatum 

'Well Harry, do you feel rested enough to get up yet, I have some potions from Emma, she asks that you take them when you awake?' Albus asked.

'Really, what potions?' Harry wrinkled his nose in confusion and distaste.

'Well she was rather upset that you wouldn't be eating for three days, so she sent various nutrition potions to make up for it, and she wants to see you immediately if you don't take them' he chastised gently.

'Ok, I guess I will then' he gave in.

'Good here you are.' Albus smiled merrily. He handed Harry three vials, one deep red, one violet and one electric blue.

Harry drank the red one first; it was ok and tasted like cherry. The second one tasted horrible, and his face must have shown revulsion because Remus laughed. The third one was worse and the moment he swallowed he gagged. Sirius jumped forward and held a hand over his mouth effectively pinning him down.

'Oh no you don't, you have to keep those inside' Harry relaxed, 'Good, if I let you go you aren't going to throw up are you?'

Harry shook his head no.

'Good' Sirius carefully moved away and Harry scowled at him but said nothing.

'I'm going to kill Emma, I'm never trusting anything that colour again' he growled.

'Well, now you have to eat some real food, hungry?' Albus asked kindly.

'No, I don't want too'.

'Why not?'

'I'm not hungry, and that stuff made me feel sick.'

'Fine, but you have to eat before the end of the day or you have to see Emma.'

'Why?' he asked confused.

'Well, you will have voluntarily not eaten for three days or more, under hospital outpatient guidelines you have to see a doctor if that happens.' Remus explained.

'Oh wonderful, how long do these guidelines have effect?' he asked sarcastically.

'A year after release from hospital, providing you don't relapse, then it's a year from the end of relapse treatment.'

'Ok, does this count as a relapse?'

'No, just counts as you being stubborn, its only a relapse if Emma thinks your really getting ill again'.

Harry nodded.

'Harry, do you want some food now?' Albus rejoined the conversation.

'No' he whispered. He couldn't explain it but he knew at that minute he just could not eat, he hated to be disappointing like this but he couldn't help it or explain.

Albus nodded and all the adults left the room leaving him to rest some more. Harry curled up in a ball and silently cried, he didn't want to get ill again but he just could not eat. He wanted to run away and hide because he knew that come dinner time his headmaster would take him to see his doctor, it wasn't that he didn't want to see Emma, just that he was slightly afraid of what she would say. Harry did not run away though, he just dried his tears and got dressed. Then he sat and read a book on curses quietly.

Later on he fell back asleep, and no one woke him up at dinnertime because he looked so peaceful, they just levitated him into bed and let him sleep until morning.

Harry awoke to sunlight coming in through the curtains, and realised he had fallen asleep and stayed sleeping all night. They hadn't taken him to Emma, for that he was glad, but he knew they would take him when he didn't eat breakfast, he wouldn't eat it, he still felt the same.

Back at the hospital 

It was Remus who took him through the fire to the hospital. He left Harry in reception and went to find Emma. Remus explained the situation to her, and she knew what she should do, but she didn't want to hurt Harry in that way. She thought about it for a minute, and then resolved to go by the book and give the recommended treatment despite her personal reservations.

She stopped one of her nurses, 'Mr Potter is in reception, take him to room 412, usual 3 day treatment.' She ordered and then turned back to Remus.

'I'll keep him in until about 2ish, make sure someone is about to give him support afterwards.' She smiled and touched him lightly on the arm.

'Why?' he asked surprised.

'He won't like the treatment much, but it is the hospitals policy, and it may just help, and be a clear warning.' She said softly looking him in the eyes. Leaving it at that.

He sighed and nodded, and then left worrying about his friend's son's welfare.

Meanwhile, a stern looking nurse had approached Harry. 'Mr. Potter?'

'Yes?' he asked surprised not to see Emma.

'This way please' she walked away, and he followed her into a small room, not unlike the one he had stayed in before.

'Up on the bed if you would' she pointed at the single bed that was dead centre in the room.

'Sure' Harry kicked off his shoes and sat down on the bed.

'Ok, good, now settle back and make yourself comfortable.' She spoke more softly now.

Harry complied wondering if she was going to examine him, but as that thought went through his head he heard a familiar string of Latin pass her lips. All of a sudden he was bonded tightly to the bed. He began to shout and scream at the nurse but to no avail. She simply walked over to him and started linking up a machine to him. They were feeding him.

Panic flooded him, how long were they keeping him here? He was about to voice these worries again but the nurse had left and he found himself alone and unable to move very far at all. Certainly not far enough to remove the machine.

Harry wasn't sure how long he lay on the hospital bed, but it felt like all day had passed. Finally he heard the door creak open. Now he would find out what was going on. The same nurse came back into the room.

'Who are you and why are you keeping me here?' he demanded.

'I am a nurse Mr. Potter, and I am not keeping you here, your doctor is, now I will take you to see her, just relax while I sort everything out.' She ordered briskly.

Harry followed the nurse along the corridor to a small familiar office. She knocked once and pushed Harry through the door then left closing the door behind her.

'Ah, come and sit down Harry, I imagine your rather confused.' She pointed to a chair opposite her desk.

'Yes' he answered softly, 'Why are you doing this to me, I don't understand.'

'You wouldn't eat on your own and you had four days food to catch up on, I know you won't like the way I went about it but that is the prescribed treatment Harry, I am not keeping you here, you can go home after our chat.' She explained.

'You scared me.' He said somewhat indignantly, 'you could have come and explained first, the nurse didn't tell me anything.'

'I know, but that was because I meant to scare you. I don't want to see you back in here Harry but if continue not eating I will have no choice. Consider this a warning, if you do not eat for another three days I will use the same treatment, then you will have three more days and I will readmit you indefinitely. I don't care if you didn't lose an ounce of weight, you will have starved yourself for ten days, which is something I will not tolerate. Also this will last for the next month, if I have to see you for this twice more I will admit you back in, I don't care if its consecutive. So go home, rest and more importantly eat, I'll see you in three days time, don't make me have reason to treat you then too.' She lectured him.

Harry just wrapped his arms around his knees and tucked them under his chin, and nodded, not looking directly at his doctor.

'Its so easy getting ill Harry, but getting better is one of the hardest things you have to do. I have faith in you, you can do it. Let today be a guide you don't want to be here, it hurts you and takes away all control.' Emma spoke more softly, then went over to where he was sat curled up and gently drew him into her arms, he cried for a while but relaxed into the hug.

'Help me.' He whispered into her robes, 'I don't know if I can do this anymore, I just completely lost my appetite, I can't eat and I'm not doing it on purpose. I feel so bad that I'm disappointing everybody and I don't know what to do.'

'I don't know what to do for you love, I can't make you want to eat, I can force you eat, or I can try to stimulate your appetite but only you can change your feelings.' She rubbed his back a little. 'I don't want you worrying about anyone else either, just yourself, you are not disappointing anybody as long as you try your best to gain control of this and get better. We all understand that recovery is a long process, and sometimes for every two steps forward you take a step and a half back. Now why don't you go back to Remus and Albus and tell them how horrid I am to you'. She joked.

He smiled weakly and giggled somewhat.

'Hey Harry, you ok?' Remus enquired as he stepped out of the grate at Hogwarts.

Harry shook his head, 'no but I will be'.

Problematic transfiguration and Bruising Sweets 

Remus just nodded and Harry left and went to study transfiguration in his room. He was studying animal transfigurations, and ended up with one legged mice, and bats with five wings.

Dumbledore came in just as he was waving his wand erratically at a pink rabbit, in sheer frustration, at his off magical skills and all his other problems.

Dumbledore laughed loudly, and Harry turned around, gave a highly petulant look and stomped over to throw himself in a chair.

'Mr Potter, you will have to show me that wand movement, in all my years as a teacher I've never seen it done like that before, and that is a lovely variation on the bat spell, would you like to talk about it?' he said in the same way as if offering a sherbet lemon.

'What about the bat?' Harry asked cheekily.

'If you want my dear boy, but I was rather thinking of your earlier outing.' He replied seriously, giving Harry a very piecing look.

Harry looked glum, 'Do I have to?'

'No, but it might help give the mouse the correct number of limbs.' He smiled kindly and sat down too.

'I messed up' Harry said simply. Albus didn't make comment so he continued. 'Emma made me get magically fed, and the nurse put the bonds around my bed, and they didn't tell me what was happening, and I was so scared. Then the nurse came back after a few hours and took me to Emma and we talked for a while, but I feel so useless because I still can't eat dammit, and I want to, I hate being ill but I can't help it. I don't know what to do anymore, I have six days and then I have to go back to hospital to stay.' He finished on the verge of tears. Albus wordlessly pulled him into a hug and then he did cry.

'You will get better Harry, you have to believe you can though, and I know you don't want to go back into hospital but if it comes to that it won't be so bad, it helped last time. Just try to eat, just a bit in the next few days and you can stay here, as long as you are eating something, and not losing too much weight Emma will allow you to stay.' He reassured.

Harry nodded and straightened up, looking a little embarrassed for crying on his headmaster. Neither said anything for a while, and just when the silence was getting awkward; Sirius popped his head around the door.

'Not disturbing you am I?' he asked upon seeing Albus.

'No, no we finished our discussion thank you.' Albus said coming out of his reverie.

'Good' Sirius came into the room and hugged Harry briefly, pulling out a bag of sweets and giving them to his godson.

Harry looked incredulously at the sweets and back to his godfather several times, Albus watched with interest.

'Wrong flavour?' Sirius asked in an innocent but at the same time warning tone.

Harry put his head down on the desk and broke into noisy tears.

'Most definitely the wrong flavour Sirius' Albus agreed.

Harry stopped crying, and after looking at the innocent expressions on both men's faces started laughing loudly instead. He opened the sweets and threw a handful in their general direction, meaning to pelt them and leave bruises. Then picked up an other one and stared at it intently for a moment as if expecting it to move, (which in the wizarding world was likely). It didn't move and after another moment or two he looked Sirius straight in the eye and ate it.

The two men both watched as this scene unfolded and were ecstatic when Harry actually ate the sweet, but both also knew better than to show it, so kept neutral faces and Harry turned around and gave his mouse four legs with one perfect fluid wand movement.

'So, feel up to some curse deflection?' Sirius asked casually.

'Only if I get to curse and you deflect.' He replied smirking at his godfather.

'You wish, I'm the teacher remember?'

'Yes, so you need to teach me how to use curses and break through shields and deflections.' He reasoned in a logical, explaining voice.

'Nice try, perhaps Remus can teach you that next week.' He laughed and sent a tickling charm at Harry, who wasn't expecting it, so didn't duck; he fell to the floor clutching his sides.

'See you need practice.' Sirius said cheerfully. Albus laughed out loud and then swept from the room. Leaving Harry and Sirius to their sweets and lessons.

A Month Later and Trouble by the Bucket Load 

'Dammit Harry, no, you are not going and that is final, understand?' Remus yelled losing his normally easily controlled temper.

'Why not, how many times do I have to prove myself, I'm stronger now, please.' Harry begged, half angry, half pleading tone.

'No' Remus roared, 'Get to your bloody room before I do something I regret Harry' Remus frogmarched him across to his bedroom, pushed him in and slammed the door shut and locked with his wand.

Harry who was still not always fully in control of his emotions and hormones since his illness, banged on the door hard and burst into noisy tears.

Remus heard the tears and put his head in his hands, sometimes he wondered if taking Harry on was a bit much now, especially with Sirius gone again and visits to the doctor cut down. Albus didn't bother so much either now Harry looked healthy and attended most classes. It was mostly up to him, and Harry resented him for it, now Harry was mostly well he rarely needed the shoulder to cry on, or someone to hold when the darkness set in. Remus often felt like he had outlived his use, and was now living as a dictator, or impediment to Harry's freedom.

Harry's friends were going to Hogsmeade this weekend, the Christmas visit, Harry wanted to spend some rare free time with them, and Remus had, as usual with most things Harry wanted at the moment, said no. He hated telling a 15-year-old no, he couldn't see his friends, his peers, but Harry's magic was still not strong enough to protect him, so his status was strictly no going off grounds and no going outside without an adult, also no wandering the corridors alone, and not without and an adult after dark.

Snape had surprised Remus a few times by turning up and taking Harry out for a walk sometimes. This did help somewhat, as despite the almost legendary dislike they held for each other Harry always came back calmer than before.

Just as Remus was thinking about this there was a quick rap on the door. He opened it and there stood Snape scowl set in place.

'Well where is he Lupin, I don't have all day' Snape snarled his eyes scanning the room for Harry, who had thankfully stopped sobbing.

'Locked in his room, this isn't a good time Snape.' Remus sighed exasperatedly.

Snape said nothing but swept over and unlocked the door wordlessly. Harry was sitting on the floor in a ball, and Snape knew that was Harry's way of hiding, where Harry always sat when he felt depressed.

'Oh, come on get up boy.' Snape said, but not as harshly as usual.

Harry stumbled to his feet, refusing to meet Snape's eye.

'We're going out boy, off grounds, get a coat.'

'O.off grounds?' Harry asked incredulously.

'Yes, get a move on, I have a potion to finish tonight.' He said impatiently, but his eyes belayed a hint of something else.

'Snape, that's not a good idea, Dumbledore said…' Lupin began.

'I am aware of that Lupin, but from the state I just found you two in it would be wise not to interfere.' Snape turned back to Harry. 'Ready Potter?'

'Yes sir.' Harry said softly.

'Good, follow me' Snape ordered and turned around and stalked off so his robes billowed impressively.

Harry followed Snape as far as the willow, 'Stay back, the last thing I need is you injured' Snape said while prodding the knot to enter the passage.

Harry kept following and eventually found himself in the shrieking shack.

'Right, I need to go to a muggle laboratory in South London, we need to apparate and blend in, I'm going to change your clothes, ok?' Snape said, it wasn't exactly a question you answered if you wanted to still have a head.

Snape flicked his wand at Harry and himself, and they both appeared in very ordinary muggle wear.

'Good, now come here…, no closer boy, I have to touch you as much as possible for this to work, do you want half of you to be left here?' Snape snarled.

Harry leapt forward until he was within Snape's grasp and found himself pulled tightly against another body. Then he saw his setting fade and reappear somewhere else.

**Almost Running**

'Well, we are here, come lets find the part we need.' Snape grabbed Harry's arm and started to walk briskly.

Harry noticed they were in a fairly seedy area, full of small houses and back alleys, perfect to get lost in… perhaps he could just…

He felt the grip on his arm tighten considerably as he was swung around to face an angry potions master.

'Don't even think it Potter, you're not going anywhere, if you run I will just use a simple accio charm until you fall right back into my grip, then I will kill you, and allow Lupin to lock you up for as long as he likes. I trusted you enough to bring you out, do not repay me that way.' The grip loosened again.

Harry just nodded and looked away, ashamed at what he had been about to do.

'Then we have an understanding, come on lets find the idiot muggle who has my parecetamol, and get out of here.' Snape was softer again now.

'Sir, why do you need to come here to get that, loads of muggle shops sell it?' Harry asked curiously.

'Use your brain Potter, I use them in the headache potions, I just increase their effects with added ingredients, but muggle stores only allow you to buy 40 tablets at a time, I do not wish to go shopping every week, this place, well lets just say I know the chemist, he will sell me 1000, and then I don't have to come back for a while, understand?' Snape asked sarcastically.

'Yes, sorry.' Harry muttered.

Snape got his things and then apparated them straight back to the shack. Harry followed him back through the passage and into the school.

'Good, so you can behave yourself once in a while, I always wondered.' Snape smirked at him.

'I can behave myself perfectly well, especially when something's at stake, especially my freedom, it was always the way when I was young, so it is now.' Harry said slightly bitterly.

'I know I could have got you in trouble if I'd run off, I'm sorry.' Harry said far more softly.

Snape nodded for a second, 'You didn't run though did you boy? So we will mention it no more.'

'I was intending to, thank you.'

Harry looked at his feet while Snape looked at him.

'If you wish you may come down to my workroom and aid me with this batch of headache potions, it may not be the most exciting thing, but if you don't want to return to your room yet…' Snape trailed off.

'Of course, thank you' Harry said, glad that at least someone seemed to understand he wasn't a doll but a living person who needed to live.

Snape gave Harry an approving look, and half smiled for a brief second then swept off, 'follow me then Potter, we don't have all day.'

Harry smiled behind his back, pleased that Snape hadn't changed too much.

When Harry was in bed, Snape came by his and Lupin's chambers again.

The Row and a Vow 

'A word Lupin' Snape snarled.

'Yes Severus, what is it now?' Remus asked still slightly frustrated.

'Did you enjoy the break?' Snape asked tonelessly.

'Yes, I admit it, the responsibility of playing jailor is too much, especially when you come in here and play saviour.'

'Someone needs to give the kid a break, its been quite a while, just damn well trust him a little or you will lose him, I took him to London today, and saw the way he looked for an escape route, if it had been you he would have found it, however I saw what he was planning and stopped it before it happened. He doesn't want to run because he dislikes it here Lupin, he wants to runaway from the locked doors.' Snape snarled.

'He's trying to run, thank god I said no to hogsmeade.' Remus muttered.

'No, you fool, that is one of the reasons he wants to run.'

'Oh, God why did I take this on, it's too much now Sirius is gone, I like the kid, love him even, but I can't deal with being the bad guy all the time. Enforcing Dumbledore's rules with very few legitimate reasons except what happened months ago, and his very slightly low magic. He is recovering that by the day, but no one can help being concerned and Albus is not willing to let me take the slightest risk to our hero's safety. This is too much.' Remus ranted.

'I agree, tell Albus that you are dealing with the boy differently or he can take care on him, it is too much responsibility for you to teach at a boarding school and look after someone you have to treat like an infant, who resents you for it. Give the child some space before he suffocates and becomes depressed again.' Snape answered calmly.

'Your probably right.' Remus sighed, 'I'll speak to Dumbledore tomorrow.'

Just then Harry got up and padded bare foot into the kitchen area to get a drink of water.

'Hello Professor' Harry said softly nodding at Snape.

Snape more or less ignored him.

'Harry, you should eat, I forgot you didn't have lunch and dinner' Remus said, he looked tired.

'No, I'm not hungry, l want to go back to the tower, I'm sick of living here and being watched.' Harry said resolutely, sipping at his water.

'You can't and you know that, stop behaving like a child and get some food.' Remus said firmly.

'Stop treating me like one then, and no, I won't eat, not now, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, have you ever heard of a hunger strike Remus, muggles do them.' Harry said smugly.

'Three day rule Harry, be careful, I will report this.' Remus warned softly.

'Go ahead' Harry invited, 'as long as eat once every three days, there's not much anyone can do for a while.'

'The longer you starve yourself, the less likely we are to trust you.' Remus said.

'The less you trust me, the more likely I am to starve myself, it seems we have a slight catch 22, doesn't it.' Harry smiled again.

'A what?' Snape asked confused.

'It's a muggle phrase, meaning no way out' Harry explained.

'Potter, how would you like to spend a few days with me later in the week, I'm sure it could be arranged?' Snape drawled lazily.

'Sure, better than being locked up here I guess' Harry answered, shrugging his shoulders.

'Good, then drop this nonsense hunger strike, get some food and go to bed before I change my mind.' Snape raised an eyebrow.

'God, your just as bad as the rest of them, sod it, I'll lock myself in my room and read or something.' Harry yelled.

'10 points Mr Potter, do not forget who you are speaking to, goodbye Lupin, best of luck.' Snape addressed Harry very coldly, and warmed a little as he faced the weary werewolf.

Just wonderful, another of my allies lost, Harry wandered to bed slowly, but turned at Remus' voice.

'Are you happy now, he was giving up his time to take you outside and talk with you, and that's how you repay people, honestly I think you just lost someone who would have been a good friend to you in times of trouble.' Remus shouted.

'Yeah? Well you only let him take me because you can't deal with me anymore, you don't know how, stop bloody trying.' Harry yelled back and slammed the door behind him.

That night Remus wept for everything they had been through, and everything that was now.

Another Row and a Break Down 

'Where do you think your going young man?' Remus asked the next morning, raising an eyebrow as Harry walked to the portrait hole.

'I have charms' Harry said acidly.

'Your not going, you might as well go back to bed.' Remus muttered, pretending to be interested in the paper.

'Why aren't I going, it's been hard enough to catch up this year without missing more classes, and besides my magic needs the exercise.' Harry explained patiently.

'So read a book on charms and go do your resistance building charms, preferably in your room, I will be busy today, so you're on your own.' Remus still read the paper.

'I'd rather go to class and learn like I am supposed to, this is a school, and surely class time is better than private study.' Harry clenched his teeth and tried not to get angry.

'Go to your room Harry, I wish to spend the few minutes I have left of this morning in peace.' Remus sighed softly.

'Why?' Harry's voice was soft.

'Why what?' Remus said in a brisk tone.

'Why do you want rid of me, you haven't had to deal with me much in the last 24 hours?'

'Because you are selfish and ungrateful, because you are willing to throw your life away and because you expect me to sit by and watch acting like everything's fine.' Remus said coldly.

'No' Harry shook his head softly, 'no, no' he began to move backwards, 'let me out of here please let me out' Harry's voice was panicky and broken.

'I can't, escape to your room if you can't deal with this properly, and give me your wand before you go.' Remus commanded.

'No, no no, god no' Harry backed into a corner then sat and curled himself into a rocking ball and screaming softly on occasion.

'Harry, pull yourself together, I don't have much time for theatrics this morning.'

Harry remained the same.

'Oh God, what now?' Remus asked the room.

It didn't answer, so he went over to the huddled mass and touched it, it backed away as though burned.

'Oh dear' Remus mused.

'Harry, I need you to calm down, prolonging a panic attack is not the best way to deal with whatever your problem is.' He sat down next to Harry and more forcefully pulled the boy to him, stroking him softly until the sobs and screams stopped and the rocking began to still. When everything was silent and still, he turned to look at Harry, who had his eyes shut but was awake.

Breaking and Mending 

'What caused that?' he asked rather more gently.

Harry just shook his head.

'Tell me, it will do no good to keep it inside.' Remus stroked his arm again.

'You hate me, you made me need you and now you hate me.' Harry whispered softly, pulling himself tighter into a ball.

'I don't hate you, but I am pissed off with you as is Severus and Albus.' Remus said gently but firmly.

'Why? Because I want my own life back, because I want to be a normal student, I'm not the one being unfair here, your suffocating me.' Harry whimpered slightly.

'Why is because you are planning on throwing away months of therapy and hard work on all our parts, mostly your own.' Remus said taking a heaving breath.

'I'd rather be in the hospital right now, at least I knew my limits, now its like my life is at your whim, one day I can, the next not. I'm back in my home, yet I can't see my family or sleep in my own bed, or eat in my own dining room. Everyone else is growing up, learning, having fun, having new relationships, new experiences and no one will let me join in. I feel like I'm five, locked in my cupboard while I hear Dudley eating ice cream and laughing along to his favourite TV show. I'm so bloody jealous that every time I do see my friends I have to control the urge to a pick a fight. You have to let me go, I'm becoming more and more depressed living like this and I want to hide again, feel safe. I will put myself back in hospital if things don't change. I'd rather be dead than miss out on what is left of my childhood.' Harry said softly.

'Don't say that' Remus shook his head sadly.

'It's true, I can't take the pressure anymore.' Harry sobbed.

'If I let you go, completely let you be a normal student, if I could would that make you happy, or would you still want to be back in hospital?' Remus asked carefully.

'I'd be happy, the current situation is killing my soul, I need you, but not this way anymore. You know at first all I needed was your love and acceptance, then your guidance and to an extent your rules, now I need you to let me fly away, I am healed mostly, I still need your love and guidance too. Let me go now and I will come back to you, but keep me here and you will lose me altogether, I don't want to resent you anymore. You rescued me from certain death Remus I will always owe you a debt, but neither of us can take this anymore. Do you think I don't see you breaking, cracking under the pressure? Your thinner, wearier and tenser than before and you snap at me for asking a simple question or asking for something.' Harry finished.

'Fine, I'll talk to Dumbledore, I don't know how much I can manage now Harry, he took responsibility for you ultimately at the hospital and most of my rules were given by him. I'll try and get you something like having to spend an hour a day with Albus or I, perhaps Severus if you didn't upset him too much. I'm sure you won't get out of regular checks at the infirmary and if your doctors request an appointment you have to go. In that hour you would be expected to eat a meal, we must make sure you eat. But I may just get you off this 24 hour a day surveillance.' Remus sighed.

'You might as well stay here while I speak with him, and I'll grab Snape for backup since he agrees with you, I may be a while, please eat something.' Remus said walking away.

Harry nodded tightly and awaited the decision his headmaster made.

About two hours alter Remus came in smiling.

'Good news Albus agreed to my terms as long as you dine with him once a week in his office for lunch and a chat, you better make good on this Harry, it took a lot effort for this to happen, and you should thank Severus, it was him perhaps who finally convinced Albus.'

'Thank you, thank you so much, I love you.' Harry ran over and buried himself in Remus' arms.

'I know, but I mean it Harry, make good and don't make me regret my choices.' Remus said firmly.

'I won't, really I won't, and I promise I'll try my best at everything.' Harry swore.

'Good, I still feel your ribs you know, even though your better, make them covered a little, eat lots, pay attention in class and build up your magical energy still, I won't hesitate to make good on my promise to hex you if you don't listen in my class, not now your officially better. Go live, and yes, you may go to Hogsmeade as long as you stick with your friends and don't exert yourself too much.' Remus finished.

'I'll miss you, I'm sorry I was such a brat about things.' Harry whispered.

'I'll miss you to, its been like having a son almost Harry, having you live here with me, I meant to tell you before but I wasn't too happy with you, your staying with me this summer, my bungalow's in France and Dumbledore's working on precautions against my transformation and against the subject which we mostly avoid.'

'What, good ole Voldie and his bunch of idiots who couldn't hex a fly?' Harry joked, smiling broadly, letting Remus know he liked the idea.

'Something like that Harry, something very like that.' Remus smiled a true smile.

'Come then Harry, lets pack up your stuff, and don't forget which items you transfigured into potions.'

'You knew?' Harry asked surprised.

'Yes of course I knew, but I decided to let you go on with it, I don't think many of the potions you can brew are addictive or harmful now you are back up to a regular weight.' Remus laughed loudly at Harry's shocked face.

And Harry laughed with him.

That night, Harry joined Hermione and Ron back in the tower. There was a party amongst the Gryffindor's to welcome his return, but only six of them knew the real celebration.


End file.
